


Things Have Changed For Me (Ryden)

by cvmisvdo



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Medication, Ryden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-10-29 05:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10847496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cvmisvdo/pseuds/cvmisvdo
Summary: Almost four years have passed and Brendon is sure he's over Ryan.Spoiler: he's not._______this is my first p!atd fanfiction ever written, please leave feedback and just let me know what you guys think :Dthe timeline is changed because I screwed it up at the very beginning and then though "oh well" because I didn't feel like changing it, I'll work something out I guessI like comments, comments are awesome, please let me know if you liked it, let me know if you didn't, anything :>





	1. Chapter 1

**ever since we met  
I only shoot up with your perfume ****** ****

********

 

 _“Things have changed for me_  
_And that’s okay, I feel the same_  
_I’m on my way”_ , a happy voice in the TV exclaimed. Brendon watched his own face with visible disgust. It was their live show from a month ago or so. Everything looked okay. Everyone was smiling, oblivious to the complete catastrophe that was soon to follow. The same catastrophe that put Brendon in his room behind locked doors, with at least five bottles of whisky around him, each for one day spent in here. 

The camera turned to Ryan. An empty bottle of Jameson flew through the room, hitting the TV, smashing the screen and itself in the process. Brendon wasn’t really moved by this.

“You ungrateful fuck”, he murmured, staring at the broken glass scattered on the floor, “I fucking made you, bitch. And that’s how you repay.“

He was sitting in that hotel room for almost a week now. They have just finished touring when all hell broke loose. The band was supposed to leave for Los Angeles the next day, but Jon and Brendon got into a massive argument, which quickly turned into a fight. It involved kicks, punches and other dirty moves and it took a while before Spencer and Ryan managed to separate them. Brendon couldn’t quite remember what it was all about. Or, maybe, he could but he just wouldn’t admit, because he was ashamed. Jon said that he didn’t like the way Brendon made himself look like the most important person in the band, since all of the spotlight was always on him. Also, he was often telling other guys how to act, sing, play, and they went with it, because it didn’t really bother them. They thought Brendon had his shit together, which turned out not to be true. Jon accused him of trying to steal all the credit from them, to which (a slightly drunk) Brendon responded: “And all the time I thought Ryan was the one doing it”. Add a few invectives directed at Jon and his mother and poof, Armageddon. Brendon managed to rip Jon’s shirt in the process, and in retaliation, Jon most likely gave him around 4 stitches on his eyebrow. After the whole situation, the bassist announced his departure from the band, to which Brendon reacted with a laugh. But he stopped when Ryan joined Jon and they both left the room where Brendon and Spencer were staying. There was literally nothing but silence, interrupted only by Brendon’s heavy breaths. 

***

“You are not leaving.”

Ryan sighed and turned around, just to see Brendon standing in the entrance to the room. He didn’t say anything and went on with packing his luggage.

“Are you deaf? You’re staying, unpack it”, Brendon said after a while of silence. He took a few steps towards the bed and put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. The older boy shook it off and faced Brendon with an angry expression on his face.

“I’m sick of you trying to control me. Enough is enough. Get out.” Brendon never saw him so serious before. His brows were furrowed and fists clenched. But he knew he had to look a bit more intimidating to change Ryan’s mind. He clenched his teeth and pushed Ross, making him trip over his bag.

“You’re not going anywhere. I’m saying it for the last time, you’re staying”, he said. He wanted to push Ryan again, but a strong slap to the cheek successfully stopped him. When the blinding white light disappeared, he saw Ryan’s scared face. And in a split second, he sobered up. A bit. He was still angry, but now he was at least afraid that he might hurt Ryan in the process so he backed up.

“Don’t fucking touch me ever again”, Ryan hissed through his teeth and picked up his luggage. He threw one last look at Brendon and walked past him, towards the door.

“I thought at least you would be on my side, Ry.” Ryan knew that this kind of “oh-my-god-I’m-so-hurt-don’t-go” voice was only a play to soften him up so he decided to ignore it. “I’m not bad, you know that. We could’ve talked. You don’t need to leave.”

“Well tough shit.” Ryan said. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He locked the door and headed towards the elevators, trying his best to avoid Brendon’s gaze. But he couldn’t avoid hearing what he said next. And that broke him.

“I really thought we were friends. And now… I regret ever meeting you.”

The first thing that hit Ryan was “friends” because he always thought it was something more but well, now it became clear that Brendon was really just “having fun on stage”. He didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure himself if it was because of the shock or because he just didn’t want to delve into it. He just looked over his shoulder to see Brendon one last time. And then, he entered the elevator and disappeared. And Brendon could’ve sworn Ryan’s cheeks were wet.

***

And that’s the story of how Brendon ended up flinging a bottle at the TV screen, while being completely wasted and unable to communicate with anyone but himself. Multiply it by six and you will have the image of how his life looked like for the past week. Spencer wasn’t even trying to get inside, he only sent him messages like “U OK?” to make sure he didn’t die of alcohol poisoning or something. It was the first time he actually got the courage to knock.

Spencer sighed with relief at the sound of Brendon unlocking the door. He stepped inside and was immediately greeted with the smell of alcohol. A strong smell of alcohol, so strong he might actually got drunk on it. Brendon was sitting on the chair, with his face in his hands. Spencer noticed the blood dripping from them onto the floor.

“Bren-”

Urie raised his head to look at him. He had dark circles under his eyes and blood stains in the shape of hands on his face. Spencer looked over to the broken TV and shattered glass under it. He quickly connected the dots. Brendon must’ve cut his hands on the glass. Accidentally. Spencer prayed it was “accidentally”.

“Fuck, look at this mess… I have to…” Brendon tried to get up, but the drummer sat him back down on the chair and smiled.

“I will do it. Sit.”

Only the sound of glass crunching under Spencer’s shoes was heard in the room for a long while. He managed to pick it all up and soon, the pieces landed in the trash can. He went to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

“Alright, it’s going to hurt a bit”, he said, pouring hydrogen peroxide on the wounds. Brendon didn’t even flinch. He was either too drunk or too lost in his own thoughts to care. Spencer looked at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Brendon was unusually quiet. He was just sitting there while Spencer bandaged his hands. He didn’t even say anything and he used to talk all the time, which worried the drummer a bit. A lot, actually. After he was done, he put the first aid kit on the table and observed Brendon, waiting for him to say something.

“Why is everyone leaving me? Why can’t I keep people close for a longer amount of time? Am I really that shitty, Spencer?” Oh, here it comes. Drunk talk. But this time, it looked more serious than ever. Smith scratched his head and sighed.

“They’re just angry, Bren. Give them and yourself some time. You need to cool down, so do they. It will be okay, you’ll see. Everyone just needs time. They didn’t leave the band, did they now?”

They did. Two weeks later. And for the first time in his life, Brendon felt like dying. It got so serious that Spencer followed him everywhere to make sure he doesn’t actually hurt himself. He stopped eating, lost a lot of weight and started looking really miserable overall. In breaks between being wasted and leaving tearful messages on Ryan’s voicemail, Brendon cried into Spencer’s shoulder, repeating the same three questions over and over again, with Spencer assuring him that it will all be okay. He did it so many times that Brendon actually started to believe that it will. And finally, after about a year, he got over it. Maybe not really “over it” because he would still get depressed and teary and he would still lock himself in his room for hours after just hearing the name “Ryan”, even if the other person meant Ryan Gosling or Reynolds or just basically any other guy named Ryan. It still hurt. And Brendon knew it will continue to hurt for a long, long time.

***

The pain stopped. Finally. It was the first time Brendon didn’t wince after someone mentioned some random, completely innocent and unrelated to him Ryan. The guy he was talking to didn’t quite understand a sudden burst of joy, but for Brendon, it was a breaking point. He was walking towards his house, silently humming “That Green Gentleman”. After four years, this song seemed a bit happier. Things have truly changed for Brendon and he finally embraced it, instead of denying. Though he almost broke down again when Spencer told him he has some addiction problems, he thought he wouldn’t be able to cope with losing yet another person who was close to him. But he coped, he managed to get through this and give Spencer the support he needed before starting to think about another album.

Little did he know that he had to postpone his plans. And little did he know there was another blow awaiting at home. 

A half-empty home actually. Brendon noticed it immediately after closing the door behind him. Kylie’s stuff was gone. His heart jumped into his throat, thinking she was kidnapped or something, but he soon realized that the kidnapper wouldn’t take all her belongings with him. There was a card awaiting him in the kitchen. Written by Kylie, apparently. And while reading it, Brendon really understood only a few sentences: “I’m leaving”, “You were never enough”, and the name of the guy she left Brendon for. 

Fucking.

Ryan.

And the hate for Ryans suddenly reappeared with double force. 

***

Since Spencer wasn’t available at the moment, Dallon’s shoulder got damp with his friend’s tears this time. They were sitting at the recording studio. Brendon was drinking and crying, Dallon was trying to keep Brendon from throwing bottles everywhere again, and Kenneth was trying to tune his guitar but he soon gave up, after realizing that Brendon isn’t going to stop crying and whining anytime soon. 

“It happened AGAIN, can you fucking believe it? First R… that son of a… UGH and Jon, then Spencer, now fucking Kylie, can you fucking believe it?” Brendon cried out, downing yet another glass of whisky with cola. Dallon wasn’t sure how to answer since he heard that exact sentence for, like, the seventh time already. Luckily for him, he didn’t have to, since oblivious Spencer entered the studio and the crying mess called Brendon quickly transferred to him. Both Dallon and Ken sighed with relief.

“Sorry, I came as quick as I could”, he tried to explain himself but Brendon couldn’t care less. He just continued to cry and mumbled some inaudible words. “Are you okay?”

“That’s a dumb question”, Dallon remarked. Brendon pretended not to hear it. He sniffed and looked at Spencer.

“Did I interrupt? Were you doing something important? I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do, I fucking need help, oh God…” He collapsed onto the chair, hiding his face in his hands.

“No, just a phone talk. You know, Ryan’s…” Spencer chose to ignore Brendon’s low growl,  
“Ryan’s girlfriend left him.”

Urie looked back at him, surprised. This expression quickly turned into smile though. And he let out a triumphant scream.

“WELL ISN’T KARMA A FUCKING BITCH?” He laughed and playfully punched Dallon (who, on the other side, looked like he was done with life in general) in the arm and looked back at Spencer after thinking a while. “Wait, why did he call you?”

“The same reason you did. To cry, whine, say that his life has no meaning and that he misses you.”

“What a fucking loser, I can’t…”

And then it hit him.

“He what?”


	2. Chapter 2

**it’s the only thing  
that made me feel as good as you do**

“You must be fucking kidding me.”

Spencer shrugged, taking another sip of coffee. Ryan was standing up, looking at him with his mouth half-opened. He was unnaturally pale and Smith got worried that he might’ve gotten a stroke, cardiac arrest or something like that. 

“Well I just told him what you told me.”

“You weren’t supposed to.”

“You could’ve said that.”

“Said what exactly?”

“I don’t know, maybe warn me not to tell Brendon.”

The drummer found it amusing how both guys got triggered by each other’s names. Ryan let out a weird noise, something between a moan and a growl, as he heavily sat back onto his chair. He thought for a while, before looking back at Spencer. 

“I was drunk, okay? I didn’t mean it.”

“As far as I remember, you clearly stated that you had just two beers and as far as I know you, that’s way too little alcohol for you to get drunk.”

Ryan sighed as his hopes to explain himself got violently crushed. He didn’t even want to say that he misses Brendon. Because that wasn’t true. He was getting by just fine without him. Brendon’s last words were still echoing in his mind, they still hurt and they just wouldn’t let Ryan silence them. And he wanted to. There were so many times when he just wanted to call Brendon, go for a drink, talk and finally reconcile. But there were two things keeping him from doing that. The aforementioned words and his pride. He wanted Brendon to text him first, maybe even call him. He wanted him to take the first step but at the same time he knew that Brendon was as proud as him or maybe even more and there’s literally no chance that he was going to do any of that.

“Ryan?” Spencer called out his name and Ryan realized that he zoned off for a bit. He nodded to let Smith know that his mind is back in the room.

“Sorry. You said something?”

“It’s been three days since Brendon locked himself in his house after I told him that you miss him. And he refuses to come out.”

“Well now you can go and tell him that I don’t.”

“Do I look like a messenger pigeon to you? You need to get your shit together and talk it out, both of you.” Ryan snorted and crossed his arms on his chest.

“I believe I did nothing wrong.”

Spencer was slowly losing both hope and sanity. He was running out of ideas how to get these two to talk and stop being so bitter. 

“I’m going to lock you guys in the basement I swear.”

***

Brendon opened his door only after five series of knocks, which was a huge success, considering that for the past two days, he wasn’t opening at all. Spencer was greeted with a look of pure hatred, directed at anyone who dared to disturb Brendon’s peace. He didn’t look good. His hair was in mess, he was wearing t-shirt and boxers and overall, he looked very tired and unhealthy. 

“Spencer, if you mind, my fiancee just dumped me for some rich fucker and this… person dared to come back into my life after four years just to say that he misses me so please, please, let me just agonize in peace, okay?” The look of total resignation in his eyes made Spencer feel really bad about the fact that he didn’t even try to call or text him when Brendon wasn’t opening the door for the past two days. He was clearly in need of some help. Spencer walked in. And to his pleasant surprise, he didn't see bottles of alcohol anywhere. 

“What were you doing for the past three days?”

“Writing.” Brendon picked up a sheet of paper from the table in the kitchen. “But it's not going well.” He handed the paper to Spencer, who read it a few times.

“That's… quite sad.” He said, looking at Brendon, who was leaning on a kitchen table.

“Yeah, I don't feel like writing happy songs. To be honest, I don't feel like writing at all.”

“I talked with someone yesterday,” Spencer broke the silence. “I think he can help you. I've read his lyrics, he's really not bad.”

“Who is it?”

“Um… I can't remember the name. I'll arrange the meeting and call you to let you know, okay?”

Brendon thought for a while. He didn't like anyone meddling with his work. He was sure he could write the album myself, he just needed some time to think and sort everything out. A lot had happened in the past week and his head wasn't really clear yet.

“I have to think. I mean, I don't even know the guy. You know I hate it when people do things for me.”

“I know. Just think about.”

“I will.”

***

Dallon didn't like this idea. At all. He thought it was pointless, hopeless and, most of all, dangerous. Because who knows? Brendon could snap. Ryan too.

“If you ask me, I'm sure they're going to kill each other.” 

“Well, that's good no one asked you.” Spencer sighed, looking out the window. Dallon was sitting on the chair in front of him and he looked like he wasn't quite happy with his current position. “So Ken said he's not going to participate in creating this album?”

“Nope. He has some personal issues and he said he won't be able to focus anyway.”

“What about you? I called Jon, he asked me to tell Brendon that he can go fuck himself. Oh, and to never call him again.”

“What a surprise.” Dallon remarked sarcastically. “I'm in then.”

“We still need a guitarist.”

“But why Ryan?”

Spencer turned around to look at him. For him, it was clear. But for Dallon, the whole idea was idiotic.

“Two reasons.”

“Enlighten me then because I still can't see them meeting.”

“One, he's good. And two… fuck, I just see how much it hurts them to be like this. I want to help.”

Dallon smiled sadly and got up to pat Spencer’s arm.

“But what if they don't want to? Don't force them.”

“They do. I know they do.”

***

Brendon got better eventually. He finished that one song he was writing and decided to reward himself with a trip to the bar. Dallon quickly volunteered to go with him. Or it looked like he did. The truth is, Spencer instructed him to get Brendon drunk and make him reveal his real thoughts about Ryan. It wasn't going to be hard, since Urie was easily getting drunk.

“Why are you asking me about him?” He mumbled after a few hours spent in the bar and a lot of alcohol.

“I saw how you reacted when Spencer mentioned him. I don't know the guy so I wanted to know why.”

Brendon downed another shot. He had no idea where to start. There were a lot of things he wanted to say about Ryan, so he decided to begin with something his drunk mind wanted to say.

“He's just a… a… a really fucking annoying guy.” He managed to mutter. “Or at least he was when I knew him.”

Dallon nodded. It didn't tell him much, he knew that already, he could've told from how Brendon reacted when somebody mentioned Ryan. He wanted to ask, but Brendon started talking again.

“But he was also… my best friend, you know? We did all this crazy shit together… fuck I miss him, man… I really do…” Dallon sighed. He lost a bet. He was sure that Brendon would never say that. But he did and now Spencer’s theory of them wanting to get on better terms seemed to be true. “But he betrayed me… okay I said a few stupid things but he left me and friends don't do that.” Dallon knew what happened from Spencer’s perspective. And he couldn't determine who really was at fault, but something was telling him that it was Brendon. He's unbearable when he gets drunk and he wasn’t surprised that Jon and Ryan have had enough of his shit.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure, man.”

“No no no you don’t understand… it’s something I never told anyone. Even Kylie.”

“Go on.”

“I made out with Ryan.”

Dallon choked on his beer.

“Oh come on, don’t freak out. It was just a kiss.”

***

Maybe to Brendon.

Because Ryan saw it at something completely different. It was the point in which he realized that he actually has feelings for Brendon and it was not okay, because he didn’t want to have any feelings for him. It scared him so much he refused to talk to Urie for the next week.

But let’s get back to the start.

They were all drunk. Very drunk, which isn’t surprising at all, considering that they were quite big at the time: just dropped “Fever”, toured with Fall Out Boy, sold out every venue they played in. All of them led rockstars’ lives; they included a lot of partying, a shit ton of alcohol and sometimes even drugs. This couldn’t have been good for them, but they didn’t care at that time. 

After another sold out concert, they decided it’s time to hit the clubs. From there, it went like it always did: dancing, drinking, more dancing, more drinking, a bit of throwing up in the toilet, then back to dancing and drinking, for few hours. And then, back to the hotel. They gave the taxi driver way too much money, more than they were supposed to but no fucks were given and the driver obviously didn’t mind, so he just dropped them off at the hotel and drove away. They somehow managed to stumble their way to their room without falling in the process. All of them decided to lie on the floor, since the beds were too far away.

“HEY. Let’s play… truth and dare!” Jon pumped his fist in the air and enthusiastic shouts soon followed. Spencer rolled over to his stomach.

“I start. Ryan!”

“Truth.”

“Are you a virgin?”

Ryan blushed, surrounded with more shouts, squeals and other weird noises. Spencer shushed the rest of the boys to let him answer.

“Well, yeah.”

“Time to change it then.” Brendon poked him in the arm and another burst of laughter followed. Ryan blushed even more, but smiled. 

“Now you, smart ass.” He pointed at Spencer. “Truth or dare?”

“Fuck it, dare.”

“Strip to your boxers and run down to the reception and back.”

“Bro, that’s stupid.”

“What, are you scared?” And the male ego apparently got hurt, because Spencer stripped down in no time and ran down the stairs to the hall. Boys didn’t follow, but the laughter and squeals heard from the reception were enough proof that Spencer completed the task. Soon, he came back, tired and embarrassed, but proud of himself. Ryan almost suffocated from laughing.

“Brendon?”

“Dare please.”

“Silence that son of a bitch, he’s pissing me off.”

The next thing Ryan remembered was Brendon sitting on his thighs. As soon as he opened his eyes, he saw the singer lean over. And then, he kissed him. Ryan wasn’t sure whether to push him away and squeal like a little girl or drag him closer and for the love of God, never let go. There were so many feelings circling inside his head that he didn’t know which one was the strongest so he just went with the flow and absently clenched his fists on Brendon’s shirt. It seemed like the world around him didn’t exist, he didn’t even hear the other guys whistling and clapping furiously. He almost whined when Brendon straightened himself up.

“If any of you recorded this…” Brendon raised his finger in a warning gesture and got up from Ryan’s thighs to sit back on the floor. And Ryan was a mess. He was just laying there, comprehending what just happened, occasionally throwing a smile or two to make it look like he was completely okay and it wasn’t such a big deal, while his feelings went apeshit. He didn’t ask for it. He had a girlfriend goddammit, he couldn’t just fall for Brendon because of a kiss. An awesome kiss but still, only a kiss. 

Later, they made a deal not to tell anyone about it. Seemed like Brendon was also a bit uncomfortable with that, but in a negative way. Which made Ryan kinda sad but he decided to just drop it and wait it out, until the storm in his head gives up.

It didn’t give up.

Ever.

***

That was all Dallon really needed to know. The way Brendon was talking about that day, the smile on his face as he recalled his memories told him pretty much everything. He suddenly got really talkative. He told Dallon about how he scratched Spencer’s car with his guitar and was afraid to admit that it was him, about how Ryan tried to play the drums and poked himself in the eye with a drumstick, about how they went skinny dipping in the Pacific. It was all coming back to him and he started to realize that he misses these times. But he was way too proud to openly say he wants them to be back. When he wasn’t drunk or just melancholic, he would talk about how he hates Ryan and how he always pissed him off all the time. But there were moments when he was able to admit he misses that guy. And that was one of those moments.

“Alright, let’s get you back home, you’ve had enough.” Dallon patted Brendon on the back and picked up his jacket.

“Dallon?”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t tell anyone what you just heard.”

Dallon smiled. It was the fakest smile on Earth, but Brendon’s vision was to hazy to notice.

“I won’t.”


	3. Chapter 3

**_ever since we meet  
I’ve got just one regret to live through_ **

 

Now all Spencer had to do was to figure out how to get them to meet. Not an easy task, since walking up to Brendon and saying ‘hey, Ryan is going to play the guitar on the new album’ wasn’t even an option. He hated lying, but this time, he decided it was for the greater good. 

He made up the whole story on the way to Ryan’s apartment and for him, it seemed pretty logical and credible, there wasn’t any reason not to believe it. Still, he was nervous. Not because he thought Ryan won’t fall for the story, but because he had images of what will happen when Ryan and Brendon meet playing in his head all the time and they weren’t pleasant. The best case scenario was Ryan storming out of the studio and never talking to Spencer again, the worst was the nuclear war, he had no idea why but he thought about it as one of the outcomes of their meeting. 

With his heart in his mouth, he knocked on the door. For a long while, there wasn’t any answer but he was sure that Ryan was home and soon, he heard his footsteps. The door opened. Spencer was greeted with the smell of cigarettes and some most likely expensive cologne. Ryan stood in the doorframe. He was wearing a sleeveless black shirt and track pants, his hair was messy and overall, he looked like he just woke up.

“Uh, sorry, should I come, like, another time?”

“No, no, come in.” Ryan yawned and stood aside to let Spencer through the door. “What hour is it?”

“1PM, why?”

“I must have slept in. Sorry about the mess.” Before Spencer could sit on the couch, Ryan walked past him and picked up the ashtray, two pizza boxes and a few empty bottles of Mountain Dew from the table. He went to the kitchen and soon came back, sitting in front of Spencer. “What brings you here?”

“I want to start a musical project with some friends of mine, but we have a bit of a problem.”

“And I suppose I’m the answer to it.” They both laughed at Ryan’s remark and Spencer continued.

“Yeah, if you like to. We need a guitarist and a lyricist, you know that I can’t play the guitar or write at all and the other guys aren’t really… good at it.” Ryan nodded.

“So you want me to help?”

“Well, if you want to…”

“Sure. It’s been a long time since I’ve done something productive. It would be nice to work with you again.” Spencer smiled, trying his best not to look too excited about it. “Ah dammit, I forgot… you want something to drink?”

“No, thanks, I’ve just stopped by, can’t stay long. I have things to do, you know, music stuff.” They laughed again and then, there was an awkward silence. Spencer noticed that Ryan is thinking hard about something. 

“Sorry, but I have to ask… what about Brendon?” Smith could feel his heart beating faster. ‘ _Oh fuck, he knows_ ’ he thought, trying to calm himself down as he was thinking of something sensible to say.

“He doesn’t feel like doing anything right now, you know… Kylie left him, he’s sitting at home and just… trying to cope with it. I asked him would he like to help, but he refused.” A blatant lie, but Spencer hoped that Ryan believed him. And it seemed like he did.

“I understand. Well, I’m not keeping you here any longer, go on with your day, busy guy.” Ryan smiled and stood up to walk Spencer to the door. “I’m at home most days, so just call whenever you need me, I’ll come.”

“Alright. I’ll send you the address soon.”

“Great. Bye, see you.” Ryan waved at him and closed the door. Spencer took a big breath and exhaled. That went well. Now, Brendon.

***

And Brendon still wasn’t enthusiastic about the thought of having someone else writing his lyrics or playing his instruments on his album. He seemed to have prepared a whole monologue about not needing any help and being able to do everything by himself. Spencer just listened, creating his own arguments in the meantime. Brendon finally stopped talking and he could voice his opinion. He looked his friend straight in the eyes.

“You’re going to work yourself to death, you idiot. Remember how it ended up with ‘Vices’, when you tried so hard to show Ryan and Jon that you can do it without them?”

“I didn’t try to…”

“You ended up in the hospital, under the IV, remember? Dehydrated, nearly starved and with an average of 3 hours of sleep a day. Before you say something, I want you to know that I’m not going to let that happen again and if you insist of recording the album without any outside help, don’t count on me. I don’t want to see you passed out on the floor again.”

There was dead silence after he finished talking. Brendon opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t have any counter arguments so he just sat there, looking like a scolded seven-year old. He would never admit to it, but truth be told, he really wanted to show both himself and everyone else that he’s doing good on his own, which, as Spencer already said, didn’t end well.

“Okay. Okay. So what do you want me to do?”

“Let me help. I’ve already told you, I know a guy that can help us, since Kenneth is busy with life at the moment. And that guy knows his shit, I can assure you. Anyway, you’ll find out yourself. We can meet at the studio some day, all four of us and discuss. How is it?” Brendon rubbed his forehead and sighed. 

“Alright. I’ll give him a chance, you talk about him all the time so I guess he can’t be that bad. Tell him we can meet in the studio on Friday, I have some things to do first.” Spencer almost jumped on his seat but managed to conceal his happiness.

“Great, I’ll let him know. Thanks, man.”

“For what?”

“For letting me help you.” Brendon smiled. And for the first time ever, he thought it’s nice to get rid of his pride sometimes.

***

And Dallon still thought it was a bad idea. A terrible idea, actually. Even when he was already sitting in the studio and waiting for both Brendon and Ryan and there was no way back. He nervously looked at Spencer, who walking in circles around the room. He was also nervous, but in a good way, maybe “excited” would be a better word. Dallon was impressed with his strong faith in the whole plan. He strongly believed that everything will go well and there’s no way in hell something bad happens along the way.

Dallon wasn’t so sure.

He jumped, startled, when the door opened and Ryan walked in. Spencer smiled widely and opened his arms to hug him.

“Hey, it’s good to see you, man. Ryan, Dallon. Dallon, Ryan.” Spencer introduced them to each other and Dallon got up from his seat.

“Nice to meet you.” Ryan shook Dallon’s hand, and he responded with a smile. Now he wasn’t scared. He was terrified, almost shaking. He didn’t even want to think about what’s going to happen when Brendon shows up. He sat back on his chair and decided to withdraw from the conversation, to pretend like he has nothing to do with the whole situation in case Brendon gets mad and starts looking for culprits. 

“Is it all? The three of us?” Ryan asked.

“No, there’s one more guy, he should be here soon. Here, take a seat.” Spencer directed him to a sofa and looked at his watch. Brendon was going to show up any minute now. He glanced at Dallon, who looked like he was rethinking all his life choices that led him to this point. Soon, the door opened and Dallon covered his face with his hand, not wanting to witness the apocalypse that was about to unfold.

There were no words. Literally, a dead silence. Ryan’s eyes widened and he seemed to be glued to the sofa. Brendon just froze. He was holding a door knob and looking at Ryan, with a blank expression on his face. Spencer’s smile faded more and more with every second and Dallon really wanted to disappear. 

The door slammed as Brendon walked out after what seemed to be an eternity of unbearable silence. Ryan still sat on the sofa in the same position, clearly in shock. Spencer wondered what went wrong. Dallon, for a change, decided to actually do something. He got up and went after Brendon.

“Hey! Wait, Jesus, slow down!” Brendon stopped, turned around and pointed his finger at him.

“Fuck. Off. I’m not coming back there. There’s no fucking way.” He said, before walking away in the same direction as before. Dallon grabbed his arm, and Brendon pulled it from his grip. “I said fuck off! What in the world were you thinking?!” 

Dallon tried to talk, but he couldn’t catch a breath. He saw Brendon’s eyes watering, but before he could say anything, Urie shook his head and went his own way. This time, Dallon didn’t try to go after him, since he realised it was pointless. He sighed and went back to the studio. From the distance, he saw Ryan yelling at Spencer, who only hung his head and listened. After a few seconds, Ross walked to his car and drove away. Dallon stood next to Spencer and they both watched him leaving.

“Well… that didn’t go well.” The bassist said, raising his eyebrows. He looked at Smith and decided not to talk anymore, since he looked really devastated and sad. “Come on, man. You tried. It’s not your fault that they can’t sort out their issues. It’s their problem, not yours. Come on. Let’s get you home.”

***

They couldn’t have known that Brendon spent that night listening to “Fever” and “Pretty. Odd.” on repeat. He never realised how much he missed Ryan until he saw him again and he didn’t want to miss him. He wasn’t supposed to. He was sure that he got over the band’s breakup, but it seemed like he didn’t. The memory wasn’t fresh, but it still hurt and all Brendon wanted to do was to stop thinking about it, but he just couldn’t. He wished for this day to reset itself, so he wouldn’t have to see an updated image of Ryan in his head. He remembered him as a long haired, child-faced boy and now he realised that him and Spencer weren’t the only ones to have changed. He wished he could forget the fact that Ryan was growing a beard or the fact that he’s wearing glasses now. The fact that he cut his hair and it looked like Brendon’s now. He just wanted to wipe a new image of Ryan from his mind.

And he couldn’t have known that Ryan slept in his car that night. Maybe “slept” is too much, since he spent the night driving around Los Angeles and ignoring the tears streaming down his cheeks, thinking that they would just disappear if he pretends he’s not crying. At first, he was mad at Spencer but after a while the anger gave up and he was just… broken. He didn’t want to meet Brendon, he didn’t need to meet him, he was doing great without him. And seeing him again after four years made all the feelings come back and it frustrated him, he had no idea what to do with himself anymore. There were so many thoughts in his head, so many questions. And he was helpless about it.

Spencer couldn’t sleep. He was thinking about what went wrong and how he could’ve avoided it. He blamed himself for even coming up with that idea and he felt bad about it. He felt like it was unfair for the both of them and maybe Dallon was right, saying it’s going to be a disaster from the very beginning. Because, let’s face it, it really was an utter and complete disaster.

Only Dallon got at least some sleep that night. He tried to cut himself out of it all, assuring himself that it wasn’t his idea and he shouldn’t put the blame on himself but he just couldn’t help it. He was slowly growing attached to the whole issue, knowing how important it is for Spencer. He wanted to help, to do something, anything, but he couldn’t come up with anything. In the morning, he called Smith just to tell him he had a dream. They were all onstage, him, Spencer, Brendon and Ryan. And they were happy. Spencer laughed it off. But deep down, he wanted it to happen some day. He lost hope of bringing Jon back, as far as he knew, he was doing his own stuff and wasn’t interested in coming back. But with Ryan, it was a completely different story.

Brendon didn’t show up in the studio next day. Neither did Ryan. They weren’t picking up the phones, since they finally managed to fall asleep after that sleepless night. Spencer knew that so he decided to leave them be. He did all he could. Now it was up to them to figure out what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**_and that one regret is you_**

 

There was a “crisis meeting” a few days after shit went down. The meeting consisted of Pete, Patrick and some new guys that Spencer didn’t get to know yet since they signed to FBR last year. He had no idea why they were brought here but whatever.

“Okay, so from the way you sounded on the phone, I deducted that Brendon was either abducted by aliens or left the band. Which would be really ironic.” Pete sat on the armchair, waiting for an answer.

“No, and no.” There was silence, while they all waited for Spencer to say something more. “But… I did something stupid. So terribly stupid.”

“What was that?”

“I kinda… uh…”

“Spit it out, Spencer, come on.”

“I made Ryan and Brendon meet.”

Patrick choked on his coffee. Pete tried his best to remain calm and composed, and the two other guys raised their heads from their smartphones and looked at Spencer, clearly surprised.

“Wait… you mean that Ryan and that Brendon?”

“I think so…”

“OH MAN THAT’S SO SICK!”

“You MADE them meet? How?” Pete ignored the sudden outburst of joy, excitement and fanboying, deciding to focus on the more important things. 

“They didn’t know they were meeting. I tricked them into it.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Brendon just stormed out of the studio and Ryan shouted at me and drove away.” Pete, Patrick and the two mysterious guys looked like they wanted something more than that. “...what?”

“What next?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean? They didn’t kill each other? The nuclear war didn’t break out?”

“Maybe the world imploded?” The guy with a weird tree tattoo suggested. Spencer shrugged and shook his head.

“Nope. They just left. And now they won’t talk to me and Dallon. So I thought maybe you guys could call them and just tell them I’m sorry or something…”

“I didn’t talk with Ryan since he left, but I can try with Brendon.” said Pete, “But you know he’s stubborn. It’s not like I can just make him forgive you. But I’ll try.”

“Great, thanks.”

“What about Ryan?” Patrick asked. Spencer let out a huge breath.

“I have no idea. I’ll probably just kneel in front of him and beg for forgiveness since I don’t see any other option.”

“Isn’t it like… Ryan had a massive crush on Brendon?” The other guy, the one without the tree tattoo, spoke for the first time. Everyone looked at him with ‘are you kidding right now’ expressions on their faces. He quickly retaliated. “Nevermiiiiind, we have an album to record. Josh, let’s go.”

“But I want to know…”

“Let’s go.”

And they walked out of the room, leaving the three guys alone with absolutely no ideas what to do next.

“Honestly… that weird dude was right.” Spencer muttered. A minute later, after Pete managed to rescue Patrick who choked on his coffee again, he regretted saying that, since both of them suggested telling Brendon.

“Come on. It can’t get any worse. And maybe if he realizes, then… I don’t know… maybe it will make things better.” Spencer sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Maybe Brendon will finally shove his ego up his ass and stop acting like a salty asshole everytime he’s asked about Ryan.”

Spencer had no idea what to do. Of course, he could tell Brendon, but what would that change? It could ruin things even more. 

But then, he thought that it's impossible to ruin them more.

***

Brendon was calm. He kept sitting on the chair in front of Spencer and playing with his fingers. It seemed like the news didn’t really faze him. He sighed and finally looked at his friend, after a long while of silence.

“Spencer… okay, okay, I get it, but… tell me one thing.”

“Yes?”

“Why should I care?”

Spencer didn’t know how to answer, even though he actually expected a similar answer from Brendon and his egocentrism. He shifted his eyes from Brendon’s face onto the piano, like it was supposed to help him think. It didn’t. But he decided he’s going to try anyway. He was already opening his mouth when Brendon cut in.

“And even if I cared, you don’t know the whole story. You don’t know what happened when I tried to stop him from leaving and I think that already ruined every chance of ever getting on good terms with Ryan.” Now, Smith looked terrified, since it sounded pretty serious.

“The fuck did you do.” He asked, with horror in his eyes. Brendon wasn’t answering for a long time. He was collecting his thoughts, memories, trying to put it in an order. 

“We almost fought. I pushed him, he slapped me in self defense. And then… then I told him I regret ever meeting him.”

Spencer let out a deep breath and buried his face in his hands.

“I made him cry, Spencer. It was the first time since his dad’s death that I saw him cry. Because of me.”

“Bren…”

“I fucked up. What can I say? I just fucked up. Shouldn’t have said that. Then, maybe there would be a chance now.” Spencer was speechless. Brendon actually admitted to doing something wrong.

“But… did you know that he had a crush on you? Like, all the time?”

“I didn’t. But what does it change?” Smith shrugged.

“I don’t know. You tell me. What about you?” Brendon wasn’t looking at him. His gaze was fixed on that one point on the floor. He was thinking, so it seemed that the answer wasn’t clear, even for him.

“I have no fucking idea.” He looked at Spencer. And he was terrified. He was so terrified, Spencer haven’t seen him like that in a long time. “Spencer, it… it won’t work out. Even if our feelings were the same, it just won’t.”

“Okay, okay, let’s leave it. But tell me, honestly. Do you want to work with him once again?” Brendon looked at the floor again. A long while of intensive thinking followed. He fought with himself, not sure what he even wanted anymore. He missed Ryan, of course he did. But his pride didn’t let him show that. One side had to win, eventually.

Brendon sighed and shook his head.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, yes, I do, can’t believe I said that. But again, what does it change?”

“Trust me, it changes so much.”

***

Spencer was slowly getting sick of running back and forth, from Brendon to Ryan and so on. But he had to check if Ryan was still mad at him. And if he wasn’t, maybe Spencer could persuade him to try one more time.

“Fuck no.”

That was exactly the response he expected. Ryan was clearly mad, he looked like he hasn’t shaved in a week and had dark circles under his eyes.

“Listen, I know what happened between you two.”

“So why are you here? To persuade me to forgive him? No way.” Ryan wanted to close the door but Spencer didn't let him. He looked him straight in the eye and Ryan understood that he has to let him talk or he'll never go away.

“He's sorry. He regrets everything he said and done.”

“...so?” Spencer sighed. He knew it was going to be difficult, but he wasn't planning to leave before convincing Ryan to give Brendon a chance. 

“Okay. You will probably punch me for that but I don't care anymore.” Smith put on his war face and it kinda made Ryan less angry and more confused. “You are so fucking madly in love with him.”

And Ryan slammed the door shut. But Spencer still wasn’t done. He knew that Ryan was there on the other side so he started talking again.

“And you know what he said when I told him? That there’s no chance, even if he felt the same way. He said it won’t work out. Do you know what that means?”

“No, and I don’t fucking care, you can go now.” Ryan answered. Spencer definitely wasn’t going anywhere. He decided that he was going to sleep there if he has to.

“That means that he’s confused. He’s not sure if he wants you back in his life. But I can tell that you’re sure.”

“Yep, I’m sure that I don’t, are you done now?”

“Ryan, for fuck’s sake, stop lying to everyone and most important, stop lying to yourself. What, you think I didn’t notice the way you looked at him when you saw him entering the studio? You think I didn’t notice the hope in your eyes? Come on, be a man. Brendon admitted that he wants to work with you again and that’s something, don’t you think?” Ryan didn’t say anything. But Spencer didn’t hear his steps, so he was still standing there, thinking, probably going crazy. It took some time, but he slowly opened the door and looked Spencer in the eyes.

“He… really said that?” Spencer smiled and nodded. 

“And you? Do you want to at least work with him again?”

Ryan sighed.

***

Everything seemed easier in 2007. They were locked in the cabin somewhere in the Spring Mountains, every single one of them was high as a kite and they were recording songs for a new album. Everything was so clear. no what-ifs, no worries, just pure bliss and happiness. 

They were just finishing recording the guitar for “The Piano Knows Something I Don’t Know”, when Brendon was hit by a sudden realization.

“Ryan…”

“Yeah?”

“What… the fuck is this song even about?” Ryan shrugged.

“I have no idea. But that exact combination of words sounded good enough so… does it have to make any sense?” Brendon thought about it and raised his eyebrows, deciding that it doesn’t need to make sense at all. He sat there for a while, contemplating the lyrics, when, again, he realized something. He realized it so hard that he jumped and pointed at Ryan, startling pretty much everyone.

“Are you throwing shade at me?”

“What?”

“That putting-my-statue-on-the-shelf-thingy… you did it on purpose, right?” Ryan looked confused for a few seconds. Then, he snorted and started laughing.

“No, I didn’t do it on purpose, but now when I think about it… it suits your egocentric ass, you know?” Brendon showed him a middle finger and they all laughed. “Aww, come on, don’t be mad at me now… lighten up, kid.”

“HOW DID YOU JUST-” Ryan ruffled his hair, not letting him finish the sentence. And somehow, Brendon calmed down. He just smiled and shook Ryan’s hand off his head. He sat back on the couch and looked around. Jon was smoking weed with Spencer, which wasn’t surprising, considering they were doing it pretty much all the time. Ryan picked his guitar up, trying to come up with suitable chords. It’s been a month since they came here. And every day looked similar. It wasn’t boring though, it didn’t take them long to find out that weed enhanced their creativity. Ryan was coming up with new lyrics like a fucking typewriter, and these were really hard to understand without being high. But the boys were, so it seemed okay to them.

“Bren?” Ryan pulled Brendon out of his own thoughts. Urie blinked a few times and looked at him. “How is it?”

He played a few sounds and shifted his eyes back to Brendon, waiting for his approval. Brendon smiled and nodded.

“Dope. Really though, I like it. You’re getting better.”

“Are you implying that I was bad before?”

“No. Just that you’re getting better.”

Ryan was happy with that answer. He wasn’t sure why, but Brendon’s opinion was the most important for him, so he didn’t even bother asking the other two for their opinion.

Or, maybe, he was sure, he just didn’t say it out loud and didn’t really think about it too much. Saying that it was connected to the “Vegas incident”, as Brendon liked to call it, is probably enough.

Ryan liked the way this album was going. He always wanted to record stuff like that and he was happy that he got the chance, knowing that there were still many more albums to go. He loved the creative process, writing the lyrics, the music, then recording and putting it all together, before finally releasing it and reading the first reviews. Especially if they were good. So right after they finished with ‘Fever’, Ryan was ready to go back to the studio. And he was sure he would feel the same way after finishing ‘Pretty. Odd.’

Well, shit.

***

Brendon rubbed his forehead. Him, Spencer and Dallon were sitting in the studio for two hours now, and neither of them had any ideas. They had literally nothing, no music and no lyrics, except those which Brendon had written before, but, as he said, “they were shit” and he threw them away. They were slowly starting to get frustrated, not being able to do anything. Brendon got up first.

“You know what, fuck this. Let’s just come back when we actually have some ideas because this is going nowhere.” He said, walking towards the door, clearly upset.

“Let’s wait just a little bit more, maybe something will…”

“I have waited too long. I wanted to record this album for quite a time now, I had so many concepts and now I have nothing and I have no idea where it all went. Sorry, but I have to clear my mind and rest a while, because as for now, I can’t see this record happening.” Brendon spread his arms and opened the door.

And there was a tall figure, wearing black combat boots, jeans and black leather jacket, with a guitar in a gig bag on his back and a notebook in his hand. He looked at Brendon and let out a deep breath. Opposite to Urie, who seemed not to breathe at all. Spencer looked over his shoulder and almost let out a triumphant scream but he managed not to. Dallon nearly fainted. He still wasn’t used to being in this band, but he was sure that everyone there tried to kill him.

Ryan walked into the studio as soon as Brendon cleared the way for him. He looked around and nodded, taking off his jacket and hanging in on the chair.

“Let’s fucking do this.”


	5. Chapter 5

_**things are shaping up to be pretty odd** _

 

Ryan and Spencer seemed to be the only ones doing something. Ryan was explaining something about the lyrics in his notebook, and the latter nodded, sometimes pointing out the things he wanted to discuss more. Dallon and Brendon were sitting a few feet from them, still unable to believe that this is actually happening. Completely dumbfounded, Brendon put his hands on the back of his head, as he watched his current bandmate and former bandmate talking about how they want the album to look like. It was like a dream to him. A really good dream or a really bad dream, he still wasn’t sure.

But for Ryan, the lack of contribution from the two of them was both frustrating and infuriating. It didn’t take him long to finally snap. He violently got up from the chair and looked at them.

“Okay now, who came up with an idea for this album?” Brendon’s eyes widened with fear as he gazed at Dallon, telepathically begging him for help. The bassist pretended that he wasn’t there and he apparently thought that looking around the room made him invisible to the rest of the guys. “Okay, I don’t give a fuck who did, I just want you to take part in creating it since you already brought me here.”

Having said that, he went back to his chair and picked up the guitar to tune it and warm up a bit. Brendon looked at him. And it took him only three seconds to realize that he’s playing a riff from ‘Nearly Witches’. Their eyes met and Ryan’s gaze was clearly trying to say: ‘I know it’s about me, you asshole’. Brendon made it a point of honor to win this staring contest. But he failed, as soon as mocking smile crept on Ryan’s lips. Brendon snorted, clearly offended and crossed his arms on his chest, looking away. And Ryan decided to stop, because he didn’t want to anger him. Not on their first meeting at least.

“Do you have anything?”

“What do you mean?”

“Anything. Music, lyrics?” Spencer didn’t even have to answer. The look on his face told Ryan that they didn’t. “Right, we’ll have to work on that. I, uh… I wrote some stuff for my project but I dropped so I think you guys can have it. Take a look.” He handed the notebook to Spencer. The drummer went through the lyrics and nodded.

“‘Vegas Lights’... homesick, huh?” Ryan laughed. And something twitched inside of Brendon when he heard that laugh. “Nah, but seriously, it’s good. Do you have any ideas on how it’s going to sound?”

“Yeah, we can play it if you want to. I have the demo on my phone.”

“Cool, let’s do it.” Ryan played the track and Brendon really hated to admit it, but he actually liked the way it sounded.

“The chorus is too calm.” He said, making these words the first contribution from his side. Ryan looked shocked. “It has to be more fierce. I think the song is going a bit too slow, so it would be nice to speed it up a little.”

Ryan thought for a while. Not about the song, really. More about the fact that Brendon talked to him for the first time since the band’s breakup. 

“Yeah, sure, we can redo it.” He said, taking a pack of cigarettes from the pocket in his jacket. Brendon looked at him.

“What are you doing?”

“Uuuh… trying to smoke, maybe? Somebody have a lighter?”

“You can’t smoke here.” They both froze, looking at each other. The atmosphere suddenly became very heavy. And Spencer couldn’t believe that one of the first conversation they’ve had with each other after almost four years was going to end up in an argument.

“Why exactly?” Brendon chuckled sarcastically and put his hands together.

“Last time I checked you could read, I don’t know if you maintained that ability, but there’s a big sign on the door, the ‘NO SMOKING’ one. And since you’re at my place I would like you to respect it.” He said, thinking to himself that he couldn’t be more polite and diplomatic. Ryan got caught off guard. He was so dumbstruck that he wasn’t able to come up with a response. He regained his composure only after a few seconds have passed.

“You… want me to go outside?”

“If you still want to smoke, yeah.”

“It’s February and it’s fucking freezing.”

“Then don’t go if you don’t want to freeze.” Brendon put up the most ironic smile he could. Ryan just sat there, looking at him with his mouth opened. But after a while, he stood up, put the phone in his pocket and went outside. Spencer exhaled and it looked like he stopped breathing the moment they started talking.

“He’ll get a cold.” Dallon pointed out but Brendon was too angry to respond. 

“It’s not like I kicked him out. It was his choice.” He said after a while. Dallon shook his head and went back to grab his bass. “What?”

Nobody answered. Spencer pretended he was reading the lyrics and Dallon was tuning the bass. Brendon sighed.

Time passed, Ryan wasn’t coming back and Brendon was ready to go out there and scold the fuck out of him for taking so long. Before he could do it, Spencer opened the door to check on him. He quickly turned around, surprised.

“He’s not here.”

“What do you mean he’s not here?”

“Exactly that. His car isn’t here either.” And Brendon wasn’t angry anymore. He was furious and he didn’t even know why. Was it because Ryan left? Or was it because of his own behavior? Now when he thought about it, he could be less confrontational. And he kinda wanted to repent. “He left his notebook.”

“I’ll drop it at his place tomorrow. It’s late now.” He grabbed the notebook, ignoring the shocked expression at Spencer’s face. “Message me his address later. Now go home, you should get some sleep.”

It wasn’t until he closed the door to his house when he realized what he had done. He just offered to go to Ryan’s home to give him something he could pick back from the studio anytime he wanted. How fucking needy that sounds. But anyway, it was too late to back away from that idea. He took a shower and tried to fall asleep, but he only managed to do so after four hours of fidgeting around, as he tried to replace the memories from that day with something else. Like writing new music. With Ryan. And recording new music. With Ryan.

And that didn’t help him fall asleep, at all.

***

When he woke up in the late morning, the first thought that hit him was ‘You have to go to Ryan’s to give him the notebook’ and it didn’t make him more eager to get up from the comfy and warm bed. He looked at the phone. Spencer messaged him with Ryan’s address and added ‘good luck’ at the end. Brendon really didn’t feel like getting up but he knew he had to, since he already offered to go. 

He got up and dressed up, putting on a white t-shirt and black jeans. Not much of an effort, but on the other side, it was just a quick trip. Give Ryan the notebook and go back, nothing difficult.

And yet, after parking his car in front of an apartment complex where Ryan was apparently staying in, he felt scared and anxious, not wanting to get out of the car. But he had to and he was planning to do it. After a few minutes of taking deep breaths and convincing himself that nothing bad is going to happen, he got out of the car and entered an elevator that took him to the seventh floor. He hesitated again as soon as he stepped in front of the door to Ryan’s apartment. He suddenly thought that this idea wasn’t really good and that he could just leave that damned notebook in the studio for Ryan to pick it up when he comes in next time.

But it was too late to back down now, as the door opened. Brendon didn’t even knock so he wondered how was that possible, but it soon became clear. He saw a woman exiting the apartment. She didn’t expect to see Brendon there. She jumped, startled, and quickly headed towards an elevator. And Brendon didn’t understand.

The door were still opened so he peeked inside. His head almost hit Ryan’s, as he walked towards the door to close them. He looked surprised, seeing Brendon here. So surprised that he didn’t notice that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, so Brendon was greeted by the sight of Ryan in only his track pants.

“And what brings you here?” Urie said nothing. He just handed Ryan the notebook. “Oh. Thanks.”

Silence.

Very awkward silence.

“You wanna come in? I’ll get you a coffee or something, you have terrible dark circles, you know?”

“No, no, no, I was actually heading back and…” Ryan didn’t take ‘no’ as an answer and Brendon had no other choice but to follow him into the apartment. It was quite huge, nicely furnished but a bit too messy for Brendon’s preference. He wasn’t a cleaning freak, but he liked his house to be tidy.

_‘Why am I even here. Why are we talking. What the fuck is going on.’_

“Sorry, I didn’t have time to clean up.” He heard Ryan’s voice from the kitchen.

_‘I must be dreaming. There’s no other option. This is a dream.’_

“That’s fine.” Brendon took his time to look around. It maybe wasn’t the biggest and richest house he’d ever seen but it was clear that Ryan had everything he ever needed. “Who was that?”

“Who?”

“That girl.”

“Oh… I don’t know.”

Brendon quickly walked to the kitchen just so Ryan could see his expression. There was a disgust mixed with disappointment on his face. But Ross wasn’t looking as he was busy with making the coffee for both of them.

“How come you don’t know?”

“I didn’t ask for her name, we met at the club yesterday.”

“And?”

Ryan sighed and put down the coffee mug he was holding to look at Brendon.

“Jesus Christ, we fucked, Bren.” The expression still didn’t fade from Brendon’s face. Additionally, he raised his eyebrow. And tried his best to hide the fact that he missed being called ‘Bren’ by Ryan. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Do you know how dangerous and irresponsible it was or do you want me to explain?”

“Give me a fucking break, we’re seeing each other for the first time in four years and you’re already trying to tell me how to live my life again. We’re not teenagers anymore. We’re grownups and you need to understand that I can take the responsibility for my own decisions.” He tried to look serious, but he sneezed. And Brendon snorted with laughter.

“Right. Like the one you took when you decided to walk out from the studio onto the freezing cold in your t-shirt only.” Ryan handed him the mug and took a sip from his own.

“I didn’t decide to do it. You made me do it.”

“Woah, I didn’t. I told you that you can, not that you have to. Besides, you gotta drop smoking. It’s bad for your health.”

He apparently enraged Ryan with these words, since the latter slammed the mug on the table and faced Brendon. As far as Urie remembered, he wasn’t intimidating, since he looked like he was fourteen most of the time. But it was different now. Ryan was still taller than him. Add the five o’clock shadow, the hair and the angry expression and boom, Brendon was a bit scared.

“Can you stop telling me what to do? You know I hate it.”

“Someone has to. I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself.”

“Nobody said you have to watch. You can go.” The tension was nearly palpable and it looked like they were going to fight each other any minute now. If it wasn’t for Spencer.

“You left the door opened, I thought I’d let you know.” He said, suddenly appearing in the kitchen. They both looked at him, shocked at how silently he managed to walk in. Neither of them noticed, too busy trying to kill one another with their gazes.

The truth is, Spencer knew that it wasn’t going to end well, so he decided to drop in and check on them, hopefully, both still alive. He was standing a few steps from them, waiting for any sign that they heard and understood what he said.

“The door.” He repeated, pointing at the corridor. Ryan threw one last angry look at Brendon and went to close the door. Spencer mouthed ‘how did it go’, but didn’t get an answer. Urie shook his head and also walked to the corridor.

“Don’t close it, I’m going out.” Ryan didn’t protest. He let him through and closed the door behind him. Spencer was waiting for him in the kitchen, with a questioning look on his face.

“Forget it, he’s still a dick. We won’t be able to record this album if he keeps acting like that. I will punch him, eventually. Or he will punch me.” Ryan sighed, ruffling his hair with his hand. Spencer thought for a while.

“You know what? Let’s go for a drink. All four of us. Oh, or even better. Come to my place, we’ll have a drink, talk about the old times, how is it?”

“I’m not sure if I want to talk about the old times.”

“Oh come on, it will be fine. Plus, you two will finally get the chance to explain everything to each other.”

Ryan still wasn’t sure. He had that weird feeling that Brendon wasn’t going to change, even if they’re going to talk about it, even if Ryan asks him to be more considerate of others’ feelings. But he decided to give it a go since he was left with pretty much no other options. And he really wanted to bury the hatchet.

“Fine. Let’s do it. But please, if we get drunk, don’t let us do anything stupid.”

“I won’t, don’t worry about that. See you there, huh?”

“Sure. Bye.” As soon as Spencer left, Ryan picked up an empty bottle of beer from yesterday and violently threw it onto a wall. It broke into little pieces. He sat on the floor, covering his face with his hands. He was so mad at himself. He was mad that he let his feelings take over. He was mad that he couldn’t just stay neutral when it came to Brendon. He was either really angry or really happy to see him, or both these feelings at the same time and he didn’t know which one was worse. Everything that he thought was long gone, came back to him. Every memory, every little emotion, every feeling. And he didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore.

He wondered whether Brendon was going to show up at the party and he scolded himself for even thinking about it. _‘I don’t care’_ , he repeatedly told himself, _‘I don’t care, I don’t want to care, I don’t feel anything, I don’t care about him, I don’t…’_

__

__

_‘Fuck…’_

Spencer was right.

He should stop lying to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the sixth chapter of eleven written already, but I will continue posting them every week or so  
> when I catch up with myself, I don't think the updates will be posted regularly, I can't and I don't like to write under pressure, so there will be a chapter once a week, once every two weeks, maybe shorter amount of time, maybe longer, I can't really say right now but don't worry, I won't abandon it, I have the whole thing figured out already, I just have to write it down :D what I can say is that there WILL be a second part, I don't know how many chapters will the first one have, I guess we'll see :D enjoy!

 

**_I dreamt of climbing out to see your face  
to scale the walls that I’ve put up in me_ **

Spencer was kind of surprised when Brendon volunteered to be a host of the upcoming ‘party’. It wasn’t really a party, more like a meeting. They all needed to discuss things and since Spencer knew that Brendon and Ryan are not mad at each other (or not as mad as they were before), he thought it was safe to put them in one small space.

He got so excited about it that he was the first person to show up at Brendon’s house. He walked in as soon as Brendon opened the door, before he told him to come in. Spencer looked around the house with his mouth opened.

“Wow… THAT wasn’t here few days ago. Nice one.” He said, pointing at the vintage piano standing in the living room.

“Thanks.” Brendon smiled and closed the door. He glanced at the watch. “You’re… early. It’s only 8PM, and…”

“Yeah, I know. I was bored at home.” Spencer put the bags he brought on the kitchen counter and turned around so he could see Brendon. “I bought some snacks, Dallon will bring the alcohol.”

“And Ryan?” Brendon asked, before he could bite his tongue. Spencer smiled and leaned on the wall. Urie instantly regretted asking.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Just asking.” Spencer nodded. still smiling. Brendon sighed. Spencer was shipping them more than all those fangirls on the Internet.

“Well I don’t know if he’s gonna come. I texted him yesterday, he didn’t answer.”

“Oh.” Brendon tried his best to hide the disappointment in his voice, but Spencer sensed it. He decided to say nothing this time, knowing that Brendon got annoyed at every hint that he still cared about Ryan. Or maybe his ego got annoyed. Spencer knew him way too long to believe he doesn’t give a damn about Ryan. It was plain to see that he still cared.

Time passed and Brendon almost forgot that someone else besides Spencer was going to show up. The doorbell rang and it reminded him that actually two other people were invited. He got up to open, _completely not_ hoping that it was Ryan. 

It was Dallon. And Brendon was happy to see him, but Dallon also noticed a glimmer of disappointment in his eyes.

“What, I can go if you don’t want me here.” They both laughed it off and Dallon walked inside. Brendon looked at the watch. 9:15PM. Seemed like Ryan wasn’t going to come and Brendon was mad at himself for even caring about it. He closed the door to join Dallon and Spencer. And as soon as he sat on the couch, the doorbell rang again.

“You’re not going to open?” Spencer asked, seeing that Brendon wasn’t getting up. 

“Oh. Right. I’m going.” Brendon walked up to the door and opened it. He almost let out a sigh of relief when he saw Ryan, but managed to regain his neutral face. 

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

And they stood there, just looking at each other. Ryan finally grew impatient.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Brendon let him in and closed the door. He did whatever he could not to show his excitement but a little smile crept on his face as he sat down on the couch. He actually couldn’t believe that this is happening. That they’re sitting in his house together, and everything seems to be okay. Spencer cracked open a bottle of whisky and Brendon got up to bring the glasses.

“What are we drinking to?” Dallon asked.

“To this meeting.” Ryan suggested. “It’s, um… really nice to see you guys again. And to get to know you better.” He added, looking at Dallon. The bassist smiled and lifted his glass.

“To the meeting, then.”

After toasting, they sat back on the couch and armchairs.

“I can’t drink much today, I’m on meds.” Ryan said, drawing curious glances to himself.

“What meds?”

“Sleeping and anxiety pills.” Curiosity quickly changed into worry. “It’s nothing serious, I just shouldn’t drink too much.”

The topic of Ryan and his pills quickly got lost somewhere between talking about new album and wondering who’s going to win Super Bowl this year. Meanwhile, Brendon downed his third glass of whisky. Nobody noticed. Almost nobody. Because Ryan noticed. And he was getting ready to deal with drunk Brendon because drunk Brendon was the type of Brendon he hated the most.

Fourth glass.

_'Fucking great.'_

“Spencer, hey… have you ever wondered about why Panic broke up?” Brendon asked and Ryan could already hear his drunk voice. Oh how he hated it.

“Because you were a cunt?” He decided to answer. Brendon looked at him with squinted eyes.

“I didn’t ask you. Besides, in my opinion, you were one of the reasons.” Ryan sighed. He didn’t want to argue. Spencer also sighed because he really didn’t want this little get-together to end in an argument. Again.

“I’m going for a smoke.” Ryan got up and Brendon also got up, stopping him.

“Wait. Who do you think was the reason for it?” Ryan turned around and looked at him.

“You. You and your ego were the main reasons, Bren.” He said, before heading towards the door. Brendon laughed.

“Oh, of course. Everything is my fault, right?” He followed Ryan. “What else is my fault? Maybe your dad’s death is also my fault?”

Ryan froze.

Spencer took a deep breath. Dallon wasn’t sure what’s going on so he just looked at the drummer, waiting for an explanation. Before any of them could do anything, Ryan quickly turned around and punched Brendon in the face. The latter staggered, but managed to stay on his feet. 

“Hey, hey, cut it!” Spencer tried to separate them, but before he even got up, Brendon tackled Ryan, knocking him off his feet onto the floor. “GUYS FOR FUCK’S SAKE-”

“Leave them.” Dallon took a sip of whisky. He looked way too calm.

“THEY ARE FIGHTING DALLON!”

“Let them vent. It’s not like they’re going to kill each other. We’ll probably have to take them to the hospital later but let them just deal with it themselves.”

Stressed, Spencer sat back on the couch, covering his mouth with his hand. A few moments have passed. Brendon and Ryan were lying on their backs, and all Spencer and Dallon could hear were groans and whimpers of pain. They were both bleeding, which wasn’t surprising, and Ryan was holding his ribs. Dallon put the glass on the table and got up, hovering over the two.

“Are you cool now?” They looked at each other. Then back at Dallon. And nodded. “Great. Now let’s get you patched up.”

***

**__**

**_if it’s your choice  
_** **_then pull me out_**  
**_and push me away_**

 

The trip to the hospital was quick. They took care of Brendon’s battered face and took an X-ray of Ryan’s ribs. Everything seemed to be okay, they were just a bit sore, so they both got discharged on the same night they arrived. Spencer drove them both home, since he was the only one who didn’t drink.

“So I guess I’m stuck in your house then. I’ll crash on the couch, just give me a blanket.” Ryan suggested, but Brendon shook his head.

“There’s a bed in my office upstairs. You can sleep there.” All three looked at him in shock.

“Office?” Ryan repeated, not sure if he heard that one right, and Brendon nodded, not really understanding his reaction.

“Sorry, I just… I’m surprised that you actually got your shit together.”

“I swear I’m going to punch you again if-”

“Ryan, go take a shower first.” Spencer stood between them, smiling. Ryan looked at Brendon for the last time, with that fucking scoffing smile that Brendon hated so much, and he went to the bathroom.

“I wonder what is he going to dress into.” Brendon wondered, sitting on the couch. ‘Nothing’, he answered himself a second later and it kind of let his imagination loose. If it wasn’t for Spencer who asked him about the piano, his mind would wander into places he never wanted it to go. After some time, he heard the bathroom door open and he mindlessly looked over there. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to see, but Ryan somehow got around and found both a t-shirt and track pants.

“So you’re sleeping on the couch, then?” Spencer asked, looking at Brendon. The latter shrugged.

“I guess…”

“Great, goodnight!” Brendon didn’t even notice when both Spencer and Dallon ran upstairs, laughing and shouting some inaudible things. And that’s how he was left alone in the living room. Well, not really alone, since Ryan was there. He was standing in front of a couch Brendon was sitting on. Urie glanced at him and sighed. He got up and walked towards Ryan, putting his forehead on Ryan’s shoulder.

“We fucked up.”

He felt Ross’s arms around him and he suddenly felt like screaming with joy. They actually hugged. For the first time in a few years. And it felt really nice.

“We did. Big time.” They stood in silence for a while, before Brendon spoke again.

“What now?”

“I don’t know.”

A moment of silence again.

“I’m sorry.” Brendon finally uttered. Ryan smiled, hugging him more tightly. 

“Me too. But please, not now. We’re both tired, in pain and drunk, it’s not a good idea to talk now. Let’s get some sleep, okay?” Ryan pushed him away a bit, still holding his hands on Brendon’s arms. Brendon nodded. He caught himself looking at Ryan’s lips.

“Okay. Goodnight then.” Brendon smiled weakly, watching Ryan go upstairs. “Ry?”

“Yes?”

“I, uh… I just wanted to tell you that I missed you.”

Ryan didn’t turn around. But Brendon could hear him just fine. And he also noticed his voice crack, even though Ryan tried not to sound like he's crying. From happiness, but still.

“I missed you too, idiot.”

***

In the morning, Spencer and Dallon just… left. And they managed to leave so quietly that they didn’t even wake Brendon up. He shot up from the couch when he heard the door slamming. Half-conscious, he saw Ryan, with a scared expression on his face, standing in front of them.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to slam them.” Ryan said, walking to the kitchen. Brendon followed him with his gaze, still not sure if he’s dreaming or is it really happening. What was Ryan doing in his kitchen? How did he get here? And why does Brendon’s face hurt so much?

He suddenly remembered everything that happened last night. Them drinking, then fighting, the trip to the hospital, their little talk about fucking up and being sorry for it. He also remembered that they didn’t finish it and thought that maybe this is a good time to do it. He stretched out and got up from the couch.

“What are you doing there?” He asked when he heard the fridge door opening. Ryan wasn’t answering, which meant that Brendon had to actually move and go to the kitchen. He peeked inside. “Coffee?”

“Yup. Want some?”

“Sure.” Brendon sat at the table, still watching Ryan move around the kitchen. He tiptoed to get something from the top cupboard; his shirt pulled up a bit, revealing quite big bruise on his back and ribs. Brendon suddenly felt bad with himself, knowing that he did that. 

“Does it… does it hurt?” He asked. Ryan turned around, not sure what he meant at first, but he quickly realized and touched his side. Brendon noticed a slight wince of pain on his face.

“A bit. You got a bit stronger since the last time I saw you.” They both smiled at each other and Ryan got back to making the coffee. And Brendon kept wondering how is it possible that they’re… talking. Just like that. No shouting, no unnecessary comments, no fighting. Just talking. It felt both weird and nice. 

Ryan turned around, just to see Brendon looking at him, with guilt on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry.” Ryan glanced at him for a while, before smiling and walking towards the table. He put both cups of coffee on it and sat on a chair across Brendon.

“No, no. We already apologized to each other yesterday. It’s all good. No need to do it again.” He said, taking a sip from the cup. Brendon nodded. He looked down onto the table, trying to find some words to say, because he hated sitting in silence. Then, his eyes drifted to a calendar on the wall and he realized.

Since Brendon did absolutely nothing for the past few months, his tour manager slash bodyguard slash a bit of everything Zack decided to go on a little vacation. And he was supposed to come back that exact day. And knowing him, he would probably visit Brendon just to check up on him and let him know that he’s back.

There was one more thing.

He _really_ didn’t like Ryan.

Brendon wanted to warn him, but there was no time. The door opened and Zack walked in, as always, without knocking, like he was living here. Ryan didn’t seem to be fazed by it, he was still sipping coffee. But he was bound to notice the complete horror on Brendon’s face. That was the first thing that made him curious.

“Sup, Brendon. Oooh, I see you’re over Kylie already? Why didn’t you tell me that you found someone, huh? Because it’s a guy? Come on, you know I…”

Ryan quickly turned around to snap back, but in the end, he said nothing. Instead, he locked eyes with Zack. Brendon already knew it was going to be a disaster. They never liked each other and after Ryan left, Zack spent like three months cursing him and promising to beat the living shit out of him when he sees him again. Now he had a chance and he looked like he wasn’t planning on letting it slip.

“What is this fucker doing here, Brendon?” Zack asked, calmly. At least for now, because both Brendon and Ryan could see that he was boiling with anger.

“Nice to see you too, Zack.” Ryan put on his classic mocking smile and turned around on his chair to face him. Brendon got up, to ensure that they won’t start a fight. He held his hand up, trying to calm Zack down.

“He was invited here, don’t worry. We’re just talking.”

“Talking? Last time I’ve asked you about him, you got mad and told me to never talk about him again.” Ryan looked at Brendon with his eyebrows raised. Urie threw him an apologizing look.

“I did. But it has changed, okay? We’re discussing music.”

“Oh so you’re making music with him? Waiting for him to fuck you over again?”

“Hey, hey, first, I’m still here and second, I didn’t fuck anyone over, it was…” Ryan tried to explain himself, but Zack cut him off.

“I’m not talking to you, shithead.”

“How did you call me, bitch?” Ryan jumped from the chair and started walking towards Zack, but Brendon quickly ran forward, stood between them and held him back. “Fucking repeat it.” Zack laughed. He was almost twice the size of Ryan, so his threats didn’t really scare him.

“Let him go, Brendon. He won’t even scratch me.”

“He had his fair share of getting his ass kicked today, give him a break.” Still with his hands on Ryan’s chest, Brendon took a few steps forward, pushing Ross away from Zack. “It’s fine. Everything is fine. He’s here because I wanted him to be here, he’s not hurting me or something. Chill. Both of you.”

After a few seconds of trying to kill Zack with his gaze, Ryan shook his head and went back to sit on the chair and finish his coffee. Brendon sighed with relief and walked up to Zack.

“So, how was your trip?”

“Good. But we’ll talk about it some other day. Seems like you’re busy now.” Zack was still staring at Ryan, apparently trying to provoke him, it didn’t matter that he was looking at the back of his head. “Anyway. I’ll drop by the studio soon, just let me know when. I wanna hear the new stuff too.”

“Sure, I’ll give you a call. It’s nice to have you back.”

“Yeah. See ya.” Zack walked out of the house, closing the door behind him. As soon as he did that, Brendon walked up to Ryan.

“You know that if you started a fight with him he would probably kill you, right? Haven’t you noticed how big he is?”

“I have.”

“Then why were you provoking him?”

“He started it. I was being really polite, trust me” Brendon groaned and sat on the chair across Ryan. 

“I know you were.” Urie smiled and ruffled Ryan’s hair, which shocked them both. Brendon, because it seemed like his hand did it on its own, without asking the brain for permission. And Ryan because of the act itself. But he decided not to comment about it.

“Okay, I’m going home. Took enough of your time already.”

“Nah, come on. Feel free to drop by anytime you want.” Ryan smiled at him and nodded, before getting up from the chair. As soon as he put his feet on the ground, he whimpered, as a dull pain shot up his spine. Worried, Brendon put his hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

“Well, not really.”

“You can’t walk home like that. I’ll drive you there.”

“No, no, no, you’re still hungover, it’s dangerous. I’ll just call Sarah.”

Brendon gulped.

“...Sarah?” Ryan looked at him, not sure where that scared expression came from. And then he remembered. He started laughing but soon stopped, since the pain was almost unbearable.

“Yeah, I forgot my sister had a huge crush on you. I remember how she followed you around when we were younger. And how mad she was at me when I was telling her stories about us.”

“What stories?”

“About me fucking you in a closet for example.”

“That’s… not true.”

“No. But she didn’t know it wasn’t. She was so jealous, you wouldn’t believe…” Ryan chuckled, putting the phone to his ear. Brendon smiled, still a bit scared. For him, it wasn’t really funny. What if she told anyone else about it? It wouldn’t matter that it was a lie.

“You’re a great brother.” He said, making sure that Ryan could sense the irony in his voice. It seemed like he did, since he looked at him with a wide, mischievous smile.

“I know. Just wait until I tell her I’m at your place, she’ll go apeshit.”

Brendon sighed. That was going to be fun.


	7. Chapter 7

**_I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not_ **

Sarah arrived faster than they thought she would. She was either really worried about her stepbrother or really excited to see Brendon again after all these years. Last time they met was probably in 2008, then the band broke up and they weren’t seeing each other anymore. Maybe on TV, but not in person. So it wasn’t much of a surprise that when she arrived, she squealed and went on to hug Brendon first.

“Oh my God, you’ve matured so much! You finally look like a man now.” She joked, letting Brendon go after a long hug. The smile faded from her lips as soon as she saw his face.

“I was always like that. Shame you only noticed now.” Brendon laughed and looked at her. She was clearly concerned, maybe even scared. “What?”

“What happened to your face?” Brendon bit his lip, not sure what to answer, and glanced at Ryan, who was busy checking out his ribs and making sure they’re not broken. Sarah already noticed that their faces were bruised and there were some cuts on them. “Don’t tell me you fought.”

Brendon kept looking at Ryan, waiting for him to stop doing whatever he was doing and help him. Ross finally raised his head and looked at both of them with a blank expression, trying to somehow fit into the conversation. Brendon sighed, knowing that he can’t expect any help from him.

“We fought.” Sarah let out a deep breath and heavily collapsed on a nearby chair. She rubbed her forehead with her hand, wondering what to do next. She was conflicted between scolding them and letting it slip, since they’re adults and they’re responsible for their actions. It’s pretty much obvious what option she chose. Come on. She’s an older sister.

“So you’re trying to tell me that you’ve met for the first time in like, what, four years and it ended in a fight?” They both looked at each other and nodded. Brendon raised his finger to add something.

“We met two times before, actually. Three times.”

“Yeah, two times in the studio and at my place.” They noticed how Sarah’s eyebrows went up after he said that. Yes, she was kinda hoping that they got back together. So what they never dated each other in the first place? Sarah wanted them to be happy and she knew that they were the happiest together. 

But she still had a huge crush on Brendon, let’s be honest. Who wouldn’t. And she was still jealous.

“So you’re still kids, huh? I remember how you used to fight when Panic was starting out. Mostly due to really dumb reasons.”

“Like the time when I took Ryan’s guitar, forgetting nobody was allowed to touch them?” Brendon asked and they all laughed.

“Yeah, like that one. You didn’t like each other in the beginning. And I’m glad it changed.” Sarah admitted. Brendon and Ryan both smiled, followed by a long while of silence. Finally, Sarah clapped her hands on her thighs and got up. “But I suppose you called me for a reason, Ry.”

“I, uh… I’m not really able to walk home by myself, so could you please drive me there?” Sarah shook her head and grabbed his arm to help him walk. She was annoyed, of course she was. But Ryan was still her little bro and she would jump into the fire after him.

“Besides, could you please tell Matt to stop bothering me?” Ryan groaned and nodded.

“I'll try.”

_‘Who the hell is Matt?’_

Brendon wanted to ask, but Ryan was the first one to start talking.

“Bren?”

“Yeah?”

“It was nice to hang out again. See you soon?”

“Sure. I'm glad we gave it a chance. See you.” Brendon walked them to the door, before closing them and realising he forgot to ask Ryan about that… Matt, whoever he was. He shrugged it off, sure that he wasn’t anyone important.

And again, Brendon was left alone in a huge house with nothing to do. He hated being alone. He would always end up lying on the floor, aimlessly staring into the ceiling, since that was the only thing he could make himself do when he was alone.

Out of nowhere, the realisation hit him, hard. Ryan was in his house. They actually talked and it was… okay. Brendon was happy and he kinda hoped that Ryan was too. It was all going well, better than he expected it would. It didn't take them long to realise they missed each other.

Brendon’s phone beeped, startling him. It was a text, from Ryan apparently. Brendon wasn’t sure since he didn’t have his new number.

**Unknown**  
12:35PM  
_she was so mad at me for bruising your pretty face that for a while she stopped caring about me not being able to walk_

  


12:36PM  
_you deserved it asshole_  
_btw where did you get my number_

  


**Unknown**  
12:38PM  
_from spencer lol_

  


12:38PM  
_...you didn’t_

  


**Unknown**  
12:39PM  
_is that what u kiddos are saying now? ‘lol’?_

  


12:40PM  
_jesus christ on a stick stop it_  
_you’re cringy as fuck man_  
_and you're only year older than me_  
_stop calling me a kid_

  


**Unknown**  
12:45PM  
_lol_

  


Brendon sighed. But it was more of a ‘fuck-I-missed-him’ sigh than the one that was meant to show annoyance. He saved Ryan’s number, threw the phone on the couch and went to the kitchen to make something to eat. He was starving. In the meantime, he put Sinatra on the stereo system and started softly humming along.

It all seemed like he was getting a day off work. He still felt bad with having no ideas for the album, but rushing things would be much worse than actually waiting and getting some inspiration. At least that’s what Brendon thought, he hated whipping through pretty much anything. If he started something, it had to be done correctly and thoroughly.

He couldn’t hear his phone through the music and when he finally noticed that someone was trying to contact him for the last hour, he felt a bit scared. It had to be something important. He picked the phone up.

**Ryan**  
1:15PM  
_hey_  
_wanna come to my place?_  
_we gotta talk_  
_but like_  
_talk_  
_I’m not gonna lock you in a basement or something_  
_no need to be scared_  
_we just haven’t seen each other and I thought that we could use some time together_ _that sounded_  
_not like I wanted it to sound_  
_we just have to catch up okay_  
  
1:35PM  
u there?  
  
_Missed call: **Ryan**_  
  
1:37PM  
_yeah act like u don't care_  
_or at least I hope it's only this_  
_and nothing bad happened_  
_anyway pls text me back when you have the time ok?_

__

  


Brendon had time. He actually had too much time and instead of texting, he decided to call Ryan. He didn’t pick up the first time, so Brendon tried again.

_“Uh, hello?”_

“Hey, sorry I wasn’t answering, I didn’t hear the phone.”

_“It’s okay, um… I’m kind of busy right now…”_ Brendon could clearly hear Sarah shouting in the distance. There was also another male voice. _“I’ll call you back in a while, okay?”_

“Sure… is something wrong?”

_“No, not really, just… some loose ends I need to tie up. I gotta go.”_

“Right, bye. Hey, Ryan…”

Before Brendon could finish the sentence, Ryan hung up. And, to be honest, Brendon got worried. The whole situation looked serious, Ryan clearly sounded anxious and upset. But he was a grown man. He could handle this. Or at least that’s how Brendon tried to calm himself down, because he was seconds away from getting into his car and driving… well, wherever Ryan was. 

He called 20 minutes later.

_“Sorry for that. So, you wanna come?”_

“What was that?” Brendon asked, still worried. There was silence for a while.

_“Not through the phone. We can talk but please, not through the phone. We haven’t seen each other for a long time. We need to catch up.”_ Brendon couldn’t help but smile. 

“Sure, I’ll drop by. When?”

_“Today at 7PM? Is it okay?”_

“Alright, I’ll be there. See you.”

***

**_and it’s still out of my reach_  
** **_and it’s still all of the things_**  
**_I want in my life_**

 

Brendon began questioning the decision to visit Ryan right after getting out of the taxi in front of the apartment complex. As he was heading towards an elevator, Ryan sent him a text which said ‘theres an exit to the rooftop in the living room, the doors are opened, just come in’, and Brendon realized. He wanted to push him off the roof and make it look like an accident, he was sure of it.

But he still came to that damn rooftop. It was fucking freezing but he had to admit that the sky and the stars looked beautiful. The place itself had christmas lights all around, small tables and chairs were also placed under small roofing in the corners. Brendon thought it would be a great place to hang out in the summer.

Ryan was standing a few meters from the entrance, leaning on the metal fence which encircled the whole roof. He wasn’t facing Brendon but he could hear his steps, with the snow crunching under his shoes. He turned around and smiled, handing him a glass of wine. Brendon was shocked, but in a very positive way.

“What now, is it a date?” He asked jokingly and they both chuckled.

“Only if you want it to. But really, it’s a good place to relax. And think about things with a clear head. And I thought we needed it.” Brendon had to agree.

“We do.” He said, taking a sip from the glass. They were both looking at Los Angeles’ panorama, lights from the skyscrapers flickering in the distance. It seemed like neither of them wanted to break the silence and ruin that moment. But Ryan finally did. And to Brendon, his words felt like something between a strong punch and a bucket of cold water.

“I wanted to die. But not in a way you probably think about right now.”

It wasn’t how Brendon expected this conversation to go. But he said nothing. Instead, he let Ryan speak because he knew that’s what he needed right now.

“I wasn’t depressed or something though. I was obsessed with people noticing me. Because that band was about you, it was always about you. No one saw the backstage. The only thing people were seeing was you.”

Brendon was too scared to comment on that. Mostly because he couldn’t disagree. He was always in the spotlight. He was the first thing that came to people’s minds when they heard ‘Panic! at the Disco’.

“So after it fell apart, I felt… lost. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to break free from all that rock star’s life but at the same time, I wanted someone to finally appreciate me. The Young Veins flopped. And that was the first time I thought about… well, dying in general.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought it’s the only way. You know, when artists are alive, no one gives a damn. But once they die, people suddenly wake up and praise them like fucking gods. And that’s what I wanted.”

Brendon was still silent. He just couldn't think of any answer to that. He was shocked, terrified. He didn't even want to think about the possibility of losing Ryan.

“It changed here. I moved in two years ago and the first thing I've done was getting up here. I leaned over the barrier, looked down… and for the first time I thought ‘what the fuck are you doing?’. It all became clear and I realized that what I'm doing is fucking insane and stupid. I didn't want to die. I was scared of death, I've seen it and it terrified me.” It was the first time Brendon dared to look at him. Ryan was staring somewhere in the distance, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Well… I’m glad you’re alive.” Brendon said and Ryan chuckled.

“Yeah. Me too.” He turned around so his back was leaning on the barrier. They didn’t say anything for a long time. Ryan put an empty glass on the table near him. “So, how’s life? Something new?”

“Yup, I’m single now.” Brendon smiled bitterly. “Cheated on me with some guy, said I wasn’t enough. But I’m over it already.”

“She didn’t deserve you.”

“Thanks.”

Silence.

“By the way, who’s Matt?”

“Just the guy I hooked up with.”

Brendon choked on wine and looked at Ryan, surprised.

“I didn’t know you’re into guys now.” Ryan smiled.

“I’ve always been into guys, Bren.”

“You had girlfriends.”

“I have always been into girls, too. Why limit yourself to one when you can have both?” He looked at Brendon, who only nodded. Well, Ryan had a point. A very good point. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.” He said, pouring himself and Brendon another glass.

“What, then?”

“Music. I’ll help you with the album. But under one condition.”

“What is it?”

“Don’t credit me.” Now Brendon was confused. After all the talk about appreciation and people noticing him, he said he doesn’t want anyone to know he contributed to the album.

“Why?”

“Because I’m done with Panic. I’m doing my own stuff now. I will help but I don’t want the history to repeat itself, and I know it will. No one will notice anyway, so why bother. Don’t credit me.”

Brendon wasn’t in the mood to argue, so he agreed. Then, they talked about some unimportant things, like NBA, new bands on the scene, cars, stuff like that. They quickly finished one bottle of wine and opened another. And then another. Then it started snowing and Brendon cracked a joke about romantic atmosphere.

They were drunk. Not wasted, but drunk. A bit happier, more brave.

“Yeah, while we’re at it…” Ryan wanted to talk but Brendon cut him off.

“I know you had a crush on me, don’t need to admit. Spencer told me.” Suddenly, Spencer appeared on Ryan’s ‘to-kill’ list. Brendon’s words rendered him speechless. For a while, he thought it was a bad idea and that asking Brendon a relationship-related question was insane. But he still did.

“What are we?” It didn’t take long for Brendon to answer.

“We… we are fucked up, Ryan. That’s what we are.” He said. Fourth bottle of wine was down. They decided not to open the fifth. 

“Do you think,” Ryan began talking again. He hated silence. And he hated awkward silence the most. Knowing it was his fault made it even worse. He shouldn’t have asked but since he already did, why not take it further. “That in different world, under different circumstances… we would have a chance?”

This time, Brendon needed a longer while to think and it kind of filled Ryan with hope. He wasn’t sure. It meant he actually thought about them somehow ending up together. It was a possibility for him.

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t a satisfying answer. Ryan was looking at him for a while, waiting for something more. But it never came, so he just nodded, clearly disappointed.

“It’s late. And it’s getting colder. You should go.” He said, slowly walking towards an elevator. He didn’t hear snow crunching this time. Brendon was standing still. “Bren?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Ryan said nothing. He did everything he could not to show Brendon that his heart was trying to break free from his chest. It wasn’t hard to do, since he had his back turned towards him. 

“I don’t know.” He answered, sounding as cold as he could, but his voice cracked. Even if it didn’t, Brendon already knew it wasn’t what he really wanted to say. Ryan heard Brendon’s steps behind and turned around to face him. He had to, eventually.

“You do.” Their eyes met and Ryan swallowed hard. Brendon was right. He knew.

“Yes.” He said, nearly whispered. He thought that he sounded way more needy that he wanted to and cursed himself for that. Brendon didn’t wait for another confirmation, knowing that Ryan might hesitate on that one. He already forgot how Ryan’s lips feel and was happy to remind himself.

Ryan whined silently and clenched his fist on Brendon’s jacket. It didn’t take him long to come to his senses. The hand that was until now on Urie’s cheek, now found its way to his chest and pushed him away. Not too far. Just an inch or two. They were both breathing heavily, both smelled of alcohol. And they slowly started to realize what they’ve just done. Brendon looked like he just woke up, not sure where he is and what happened.

“You should go.” Ryan muttered, his voice hoarse. Dumbfounded, Brendon looked at him for a while, before something ‘clicked’ inside of his mind. He just nodded. He wanted to walk past him, but Ryan took advantage in form of his fist still clenched hard on Brendon’s jacket to pull him closer for one last kiss, before nearly pushing him into an elevator. Alone. They looked at each other as the door closed.

Ryan was trembling, as he walked towards the barrier to take a look at Los Angeles once again. He thought about what they did and how stupid and unnecessary it was. ‘No more drinking. Not with him.’

But it also felt right. Like he finally got his hands on something he wanted for a long time. Something that was kind of forbidden. He knew they were drunk. He knew they weren’t going to talk about it again, pretending they forgot, while really it would haunt them for the rest of their lives, lived probably with someone else by their sides. 

But it felt right. Even if only for a few seconds. Even if it was never going to happen again, Ryan didn’t regret it and neither did Brendon, even though he would never admit. 

On his way down, he stared blankly at the elevator door, also thinking. He was much more conflicted than Ryan. He didn’t want this short moment to feel like it was okay for them to do it. It wasn’t. Or at least he tried to convince himself it wasn’t. He couldn’t believe he actually started it, not Ryan. 

Neither of them slept that night. Brendon rolled around in his bed, trying hard to fall asleep, in vain. Ryan didn’t even try. He spent these few hours writing, maybe something that would appear on Panic’s album.

_I want to complicate you_  
_Don’t let me do this to myself_

That’s pretty much how he felt. If their ‘relationship status’ was unclear before, they’ve just made it much, much worse. But sad and hopeless love stories were a great inspiration for an artist, and by writing down his thoughts, Ryan found some kind of relief.

_Endless romantic stories_  
_You never could control me_

He could and Ryan knew this. He controlled him while they were still in Panic, he controls him now and it pissed Ryan off so much. He threw the notebook on the bed, put on his jacket and took an elevator down. He needed a walk. So what it was 3AM.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took some time to upload this but I didn't really feel motivated to do so, anyway, I hope you enjoy this one

**_and as the world spins on its axis_**  
_**seems like it’s brought me back here**_  
_**to say “oh god, not this again”**_

 

It was hard for Brendon to focus on anything the next day in the studio, which Zack remarked on pretty often, making not only Brendon, but himself, Spencer and Dallon nervous and stressed. As usual, nothing was going well, they managed to come up with some guitars and pianos, but nothing much. It wasn’t only Zack; after a while, Spencer and Dallon also noticed that something is going on with Brendon.

“Man, what’s wrong with you?” Brendon raised his head and looked around the room, with blank and tired expression on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes and overall looked like a zombie. “Have you slept this night?”

“Not really… I don’t know why, I couldn’t fall asleep.” He lied, but no one noticed. They had no idea what happened the evening before and they had no reason to ask so there was no way for them to somehow learn about it. Or at least until Ryan wasn’t there, because as soon as he barged into the studio, looking as half-dead as Brendon, Spencer quickly connected the dots. Maybe too quickly, because the image that his mind generated was… a bit more than what really happened.

“Oh look, the princess is here.” Zack shook his head, watching Ryan, who barely plodded his way towards an empty chair. The angry look he threw towards the manager was far from friendly.

“It’s really fucking nice to see you too, Zack.” He muttered, grabbing a guitar and playing a few notes to warm himself up. He came to a conclusion that it’s unhealthy to get angry so early in the morning and it makes him look ugly so he quickly dropped the negative emotions to focus on the music. He shot a quick glance at Brendon, only to realize that he’s been staring at him and now, he instantly looked away to make it look like he wasn’t. “Anyway. I wrote something yesterday, mind checking it out?”

This question was obviously directed towards Brendon, who still acted like Ryan wasn’t in the room. After a long silence, during which everybody stared at him, he finally reacted.

“Oh, you were talking to me?” Ryan tried really hard not to groan. He only sighed, handing Brendon an opened notebook. He read through the lyrics a few times.

“Wow, that is… kinda dark.” Ryan shrugged, taking the notebook back.

“Maybe. Not the most optimistic thing I wrote but I have much darker things somewhere in my drawer.” He said and went back to play. Brendon recognized the riff.

“What is it?”

“This? ‘Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist’, Muse. It’s been stuck in my head for a while.”

“Isn’t it ‘Pas de Cheval’ though?”

“No Brendon, it isn’t, I know what I’m playing. I haven’t lost my mind completely.” Ryan chuckled. “But the intro is kind of inspired by it, true, so it may sound similar.” 

Brendon nodded, not realising that he’s still staring at Ryan with so much admiration in his eyes that Spencer’s dots started going apeshit and he felt an urge to share that with someone. He took his phone, opened the notes and wrote a short message. Then, he showed it to Dallon.

_‘they fucked im tellin u’_

Dallon snorted, which, of course, didn’t go unnoticed. He caught the attention of everyone in the room and Spencer quickly put the phone back in his pocket so he wouldn’t be seen as a culprit.

“What’s so funny?” Ryan asked, not taking his eyes off the guitar. “The fact that we haven’t done shit or the fact that you’re not contributing at all?”

“Hey, you better chill, dude. Everyone’s doing their best. We’re trying, alright?.” Zack got up, ready to defend the bassist, but Ryan wasn’t really looking for a fight.

“You can’t record an album with trying.” He looked Zack straight in the eye, to show him that he’s not afraid in the slightest. Brendon decided to break it up, afraid that they’re going to start a fight or something.

“Come on guys, it’s February. The deadline is in August we have a shitload of time.” Ryan looked at him, surprised.

“August? Why are we so stressed about it then?”

“We? You’re the one who’s always talking about us dicking around. That’s why I told you to chill. We have time.” Surprisingly, it was Zack who calmed everything down. After all, he was a really sensible guy. Ryan thought for a while, before putting his guitar down. He got up from the chair, heading for an exit. “Where are you going?”

“For a smoke, I’ll be back.” As soon as he went out, everyone looked at Brendon who seemed to be busy with his keyboard, when really he just didn’t want to get involved in their little quarrel. Finally, he raised his head just to notice that everyone’s eyes were fixed on him.

“What?”

“Well, he’s your boyfriend so I thought you should be the one to talk some sense into him.” Zack remarked and laughed after Brendon flipped him off. “But seriously, he will listen to you. He always does. We can’t go on like that, Bren.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Tell him that he needs to stop acting like that. I was also a dick, I agree but I am ready to apologize if he is. Alright?” Brendon sighed. But Zack was right, Ryan was acting… well, not like him. He was always sensitive and quiet. Brendon wasn’t sure why is that happening but he was about to find out.

“Alright. I’m going, then.” He grabbed his jacket and went after Ryan, who noticed him immediately after he left the studio.

“If you came here to tell me to quit smoking, you can go.” Brendon smiled and came a bit closer, putting his hands in the pockets. It was quite cold, which was odd, considering they were in Los Angeles.

“Not really, but you should. It’s not going to end well.”

“Come on. I’m going to die either way.”

“And you want to die from lung cancer at 30 years old.”

“That means I have three years to go. I can still achieve great things.” Ryan smiled, throwing the finished cigarette on the ground and stomping it with his boot. “What is it?” Brendon took his time to collect his thoughts. He wasn’t sure what to say and how to say it, because saying ‘stop being a cunt’ was totally out of question.

“Look, I know you’re stressed. We are all stressed. But that doesn't mean we can act like that. What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You're acting… different. I know another Ryan, no this one. He used to be delicate, sensitive, warm and he cared about everyone. What happened?” Ryan wasn't looking at him, but Brendon saw sadness in his eyes.

“He learned that he can't show weakness because people like to take advantage of it.” Brendon couldn’t agree with that. Because, according to him, Ryan was never weak. He always had his own opinion and he was the type to inquire and argue with people if something didn’t feel right for him.

“So now you’re going to act like an asshole to scare people off, huh? I’m not sure who are you trying to impress. Only Dallon doesn’t know you, so maybe him? Because me, Zack and Spencer want our old Ryan back. Don’t try to play tough, because it’s not working out for you.”

Ryan was silent.

Mostly because he also noticed the change in his behavior. Moreover, he was the first person to notice it and he tried so hard not to go that way any further, but all his efforts went to shit. And there he was, a bitter asshole, unable to appreciate things people do for him, mad at pretty much everything, whiny, sarcastic and irresponsible. Or at least that’s how people saw him, while the reality was quite different.

“That’s, uh… that’s a bit more complicated.” For a while, Ryan wanted to explain himself and just tell Brendon how the story went after he left Panic, but he bit his tongue. Not now, not here. Too much happened and it wasn’t a good place nor time to talk about it. “Let’s go back. It’s unusually cold, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it feels more like Northern Canada than Los Angeles.” Brendon smiled as they went back to the studio.

“...I’m telling you Dallon, there is no way in the world they didn’t sleep with each other.” Ryan sighed, hearing Spencer spewing out his conspiracy theories.

“Who slept with who?” Both Dallon and Spencer suddenly stopped talking and pretended that they are actually busy with something, which is strange because all they do in the studio is chat, laugh and watch helplessly as Ryan and Brendon argue. Zack, on the other hand, was sitting in the corner, looking like he really wanted to get out of the studio just so he wouldn’t have to listen to these two.

“They have been talking about you hooking up ever since you left. And it’s really hard for me to say it, but I’m glad you’re back, Ryan. I don’t know how much longer I could’ve taken it.”

“My pleasure.” Ryan smirked, sitting on the chair he left his jacket on. Almost immediately after looking at the table, he noticed that his notebook is opened. Zack was quick to explain.

“I took a peek at your stuff while you guys were away. And I gotta admit, man, you still can write. And it’s still your style.” 

Ryan looked at him in disbelief. There was a moment when he was ready to risk his life and just jump at Zack to at least try to punch him, knowing that he’s going to get smashed into the ground before he can even reach him. But he didn’t do it. Instead, he just nodded, to show his thankfulness for these words. 

“Next time, just ask if you can look, okay?” He asked, sounding as calm as possible. He grabbed the notebook and put it on his lap, to ensure nobody else touches it anymore. After a while, he opened it and took a pen from the table. The guys were talking and laughing, but he somehow managed to drown them out and scribble a few words.

Brendon broke out of the conversation, too. He leaned back in his chair and took a quick glance at Ryan, just to see what he’s doing. After realising he’s too busy to notice him, he began just openly staring at him, interested in whatever he was writing down. So interested that he almost fell of his chair, and in the efforts to save himself, he grabbed Ryan’s arm, pulling him out of his own world. Ryan looked at him, surprised and a bit scared.

“What?”

“Nothing. Nothing, really.” Brendon put on an apologetic smile, which Ryan chose to ignore, going back to writing. He looked really into it, words were pouring out of his heart onto the paper. Brendon sneakily looked over his shoulder, but Ryan noticed. He closed the notebook and put it back on the table, without saying a word.

“We were thinking about including your vocals in some songs, Ry. Don’t give me that look, Brendon told us that you don’t want to be credited, I understand, but I think you can do some background vocals, can’t you?” Spencer played with his pen while he waited for Ryan to answer. Ryan breathed out heavily and ruffled his hair with his hand. He didn’t like this idea at all. But still, he agreed.

“Shit, okay, as long as nobody recognizes me.”

“You and Kenny have similar voices, I don’t think anyone will notice.” Ryan nodded.

“If that’s all, I’m going home.” He said, picking up his guitar and putting it in the gig back. Nobody stopped him, everyone was so busy that they seemed not to notice him leaving. Only Brendon sent a warm smile his way and mouthed a quick ‘goodbye’. 

Ryan was back not more than ten seconds later. With Pete hanging on his shoulder. They were both laughing, and Brendon thought he hadn’t seen Ryan so happy in a long, long time. But he was always fanboying over Pete, that was a fact and he didn’t even try to hide it.

“Hey, why didn’t you tell me Ryan is back and making music with you? We need to let everyone know! People are going to freak out!” Brendon looked at Ryan, whose expression changed in split-second.

“Yeah, that’s why. We don’t want people to know.” He explained, freeing himself from Pete’s arm over his shoulders. 

“Why?”

“I have my reasons, Pete, I’m sorry but I don’t feel like explaining it again. No offense, but I was just heading home as you bumped into me, so I’ll get going.” Ryan raised his hands in an apologetic gesture and backed out of the studio. Pete looked at Brendon and the rest, clearly confused.

“What happened?”

“You know him. He rarely writes stuff in the studio, he does it only if something comes up and he writes it down not to forget it. He does most of the work in his house, so he probably went home to write.” Brendon shrugged it off and sat by the piano to play some notes. “What were the lyrics again? The ones Ryan wrote?”

“Gospel-something. I don’t remember.”

But Brendon remembered. He read them maybe three times, but he remembered. His fingers swayed across the piano, almost as if they were creating notes on their own, without Brendon’s creative input. He made a few tries, to see which chords sounded best, before starting to sing silently.

_“This is gospel for the fallen ones_  
_Locked away in permanent slumber_  
_Assembling their philosophies_  
_From pieces of broken memories.”_

_____ _

“That sounds Ryan-ish.” Pete remarked and Spencer nodded, indicating that he agrees. If he were to be honest, ‘Vices’ didn’t sound much like Panic, mostly because the lyrics weren’t as metaphoric and complex as before (apart from “Nearly Witches”, in which Brendon takes a nasty bite at Ryan, using stuff he wrote way back and altering it just a bit). 

_“The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues_  
_Conspire against the odds_  
_But they haven’t seen the best of us yet.”_

Brendon stopped singing, but five seconds later, his voice erupted, this time louder and higher, filling the studio. Everyone was listening, but he didn’t care. He didn’t feel like he was in the center of attention. He imagined being in some kind of a bubble, isolated from the rest of the world, where his voice was heard only by Brendon himself.

_“If you love me let me go,_  
_If you love me, let me go,_  
_Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_  
_The fear of falling apart_  
_And truth be told I never was yours_  
_The fear, the fear of falling apart.”_

He hit the piano keys again and went silent, appearing to be taking in what he just sang. The words hit him. The whole song hit him. Ryan’s words and his voice and music were coming together perfectly. He didn’t feel that way when he was recording ‘Vices’, he felt like something was missing and now, he found that missing component. And he realized that his music is nothing without Ryan. He is nothing without Ryan.

Spencer and Pete also noticed that, maybe because they were with the band for a longer time than Dallon. But even the bassist sensed something different in a way Brendon sang and played. Everyone remained silent, even after he finished. Brendon let out a deep breath and looked around the room, with a big smile on his face.

“That’s it. That what we needed.”

***

Pete talked something about a party he’s throwing at his house, but Brendon wasn’t really listening. He was too busy thinking about his new music and it was the first time he really felt excited about this album. After everyone got tired of sitting in the studio, he jumped into his car and went to Ryan’s place, not even thinking twice about it. They used to do it when they were younger, they would meet at someone’s home to write and maybe drink something. 

First time here, he felt nothing but anxiety. But now, excitement took its place as he knocked on the door. It didn’t take much time for Ryan to open. The smell of cigarettes hit Brendon’s face immediately. He wanted to comment on that, but managed to stop himself.

“Hey… what brings you here?” Brendon didn’t wait for a ‘come in’ or ‘fuck off’, he just walked passed Ryan into his house, looking for a piano. And when he finally found it in the living room, he let out a triumphant noise and sat down. Ryan was too confused to ask about anything, so he just leaned on the doorframe, waiting for any explanation. It finally came, in a form of Brendon singing his lyrics. Ryan crossed his arm on his chest, waiting for him to finish. After the first chorus, Brendon stopped playing and turned around, seeking approval.

“What do you think?” Ryan thought for a while, before walking up to him. He sat on the same piano stool Brendon was sitting on and played a few notes. 

“You sing the chorus a bit too high I think. It should be lower.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, let’s try it.” So they did. They consulted the whole song that way and Ryan felt the same thing Brendon did back in the studio. The pieces seemed to finally fit and he began to understand why he didn’t enjoy the music he made with Jon or alone. It didn’t have Brendon in it.

Twenty minutes later, Ryan was sitting on a couch with a cigarette in his mouth and a pen in his hand, writing down anything that came to his mind. Brendon kept his place at the piano, as Ryan supplied him with notes. It finally felt right for both of them. Brendon realized that he was unable to write the new album because a) Ryan wasn’t there or b) if he was, they were continuously arguing. Now, the atmosphere changed. They both had their differences, but they were at least able to sort them out and reach a compromise.

“Can you believe we’ve been sitting here for three hours now?” Brendon stood up and stretched, looking at the clock. It was almost 2PM. “I forgot to tell you. Pete is throwing a party or something at his house, on eighth. Thought you might want to come.”

“Oh yes, I love parties.” Ryan scoffed sarcastically.

“I know you do. But I think you need some fun time, you know? All you do is just sit here.”

“And I would really like it to stay that way. I sit there and write, you make music, it’s perfect. Fuck, Brendon, we’re talking, can you fucking believe it?” Now it was time for realization to hit him, since Brendon had that moment already. “Because I can’t. Few weeks ago I didn’t want to look at you because that alone pissed me off, but now we’re creating music again and it’s amazing, don’t you think?”

It was really rare for Ryan to pour his heart out like that so when he did, Brendon appreciated it. Reading his feelings when he wasn’t speaking about them was hard. Ryan had this weird, mystical aura around him that made it almost impossible to know what is he thinking about or how is he feeling. He was always kind of a loner. He had his own ways that Brendon didn’t quite understand but they amused him nevertheless. It was Ryan’s “weirdness” that dragged Brendon towards him.

“Yeah. I feel like we’re kids again. Plus cigs and alcohol, of course.” Ryan laughed, setting the pen down on the table, indicating that he’s done for today and now, all he wants to do is relax. 

“Don’t act like we didn’t drink and smoke when we were younger. You got me into it and you should feel guilty.” He was joking of course, but when Brendon thought about it, he did feel the guilt.

“And now I’m trying to get you out of it, so it’s even.” Ryan shook his head and got up from the couch, walking up to the fridge and opening it. He offered Brendon a bottle of beer. “Nah, I can’t. I’m driving.”

“Whatever, I won’t drink alone.” Ryan shrugged and closed the fridge before heading back to the couch. He picked up his notebook and walked out of the living room. Brendon’s eyes followed him. He entered a room on the right from the living room and stayed here for a while, before walking out and locking the door.

“Are you going to the party?” Brendon asked when he came back.

“Are you?”

“Only if you are.” Ryan eyed him for a while.

“I see you’re excited for it so it seems I have no choice.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I guess it's time to update it, haven't done it for a while

**_if I keep my eyes closed_ ** **_he feels just like you_ **

There were much more people than Brendon expected. Pete had a huge house with a pool, but it was still a bit cramped in there. All three of them, Spencer, Dallon and Brendon spent most of the time sitting on the first floor balcony, making fun of Pete, who was swarmed with young, aspiring musicians. They probably weren’t invited but went with their friends, who may have known Pete from somewhere. Pete himself looked like he wanted to disappear.

“Guess we’re going to have some new signings soon.” Dallon joked, taking a sip of beer from his bottle. “Jesus, how many of them are there?”

“Too many. Look, look, Joe is going to bail Pete out of there.” Spencer noticed and they both laughed. Brendon was sitting on the chair in the back, smiling at their remarks. He didn’t feel like drinking or dancing. He went to that party, sure that Ryan is going to be there, but every time Brendon texted him asking when is he coming, all he was getting back was “almost there”. He already lost hope that Ryan is going to show up, so all he had to do for the rest of the night was put on a fake smile and pretend to actually enjoy the party. 

“I’m getting more beer. Want some?” Brendon asked, getting up from the chair and after getting a confirmation, he headed down to the fridge. It seemed to be always full, which was both kinda weird and convenient. He picked up three bottles and was about to disappear upstairs again, but he heard a familiar laugh and he could’ve sworn it was Ryan. He looked around and finally, he saw him.

Ryan was wearing a black button-down shirt, dark jeans and black Converse. But it wasn’t his outfit that caught Brendon’s attention. There was someone standing next to him. A tall, brown-haired guy with a wide smile on his lips. Brendon didn’t know him, but it seemed like Ryan did. One of his hands was on the guy’s arm, while he held a glass of whisky with the other. 

And Brendon felt a bit hurt. Not because Ryan was talking with someone else (definitely not because of that), but because he didn’t even notice him. Brendon furrowed his eyebrows and sent Ryan a quick text, something about being bored, he didn’t really pay attention to what is he writing. Ryan excused his companion and looked at his phone for a while, before putting it back in the pocket of his jeans and continuing the conversation like nothing happened. That’s when Brendon decided it’s time to go back to Spencer and Dallon.

They were bound to notice a change of expression on Brendon’s face. They stopped making fun of Pete for a while and sat next to him by the table.

“What happened?”

“Seems like Ryan brought a date to the party. He’s too busy to answer the text.” Brendon murmured, clearly annoyed. And maybe, just maybe a bit jealous.

***

Matter of fact, Ryan didn’t bring a date.

He was talking to the guy he bumped into at the club a few weeks ago. He didn’t even remember his name, Daniel or David, it didn’t matter, really. He was nice to talk to. And since Ryan couldn’t find Brendon anywhere, he decided to pass the time with David/Daniel.

He didn’t reply to Brendon’s text. If he was somewhere close, he could just come by and Ryan thought he could do more than just text him but he didn’t. It’s not like Ryan was busy, he could always excuse himself, but there was that weird thing about the guy he was talking to.

He looked like Brendon.

They were almost identical. David (Ryan read the name from the business card he gave him, probably to show off that he’s someone important and rich or something) had lighter and shorter hair, was just a bit taller and his jaw had softer edges and Ryan had no idea why he noticed that. There was a really stupid idea circling in his head that he tried to get rid of, but it seemed useless.

“It’s stuffy in there, don’t you think?” David asked, looking around. Ryan just nodded. He knew that 'it’s stuffy' meant 'let’s find an empty room so we can be alone'. Ryan passed a few rooms on his way to the kitchen and it seemed that David wasn’t the only one who had that idea. Ryan wondered what would Pete say if he knew that people are actually fucking under his roof. A smile crept on his face as he thought about it, knowing that Pete would definitely freak out.

He followed David, though he didn’t know why he did it. He could’ve told him to get lost, but he didn’t. After all, he wasn’t sure what he hated himself more for: screwing with a stranger or thinking about Brendon the whole time. Probably the second option, because he was pretty familiar with the first one and it didn’t really make him feel guilty. 

As soon as they walked out of the room, David disappeared and Ryan didn’t feel sad about it, not one bit. He read the text from Brendon once again and headed to the balcony on the upper floor, hoping that he would still be there. He was, along with Dallon and Spencer, who walked to greet Ryan, but Brendon only shot a quick glance at him.

“Where have you been? Brendon was freaking out.” Ryan looked at him, or maybe at the back of his head because Brendon was too busy being mad to even look at him.

“Was he?”

“Like hell. He wasn’t even talking to us.”

“I wasn’t freaking out, okay? I just thought I deserve something more than just a look at my text. I hope it was nice hanging out with that guy.”

And since Ryan just loved giving Brendon the shits, he went with it.

“Oh, you have no idea how nice it was.” He said, slowly walking up to him and plopping on a chair in front of Brendon. Urie threw him an angry look. “To be honest, it was much nicer than with that girl back at my place.”

Brendon exploded.

“You’re an idiot, you know that, right? Are you really fucking strangers again?”

“It’s ‘still’, not ‘again’. I never stopped, Bren.”

“Whatever. I’ve told you it’s dangerous and irresponsible, do I really have to repeat myself?” Ryan laughed. And it caught Brendon off-guard. But only until he realized it was a sarcastic laugh, which made him even more angry.

“I don’t need a fucking nanny. I can do whatever I want, Brendon. I can fuck Spencer if I feel like it and you can’t do shit about it.” Spencer wanted to oppose, but then decided that speaking up right now wasn’t the best idea so he remained silent.

“You know, you’re walking around, reminding everyone that you’re an adult but you’re still acting like you’re sixteen or less. If you want to be treated like a grown-up, fucking act like one.” Brendon looked Ryan straight in the eye, sure he was going to get punched, but nothing like that happened, so he continued. “I feel like I have to watch over you all the time.”

Dallon and Spencer just went back to the house. They didn’t want to get involved in that, knowing that Brendon and Ryan had to sort their differences on their own. Especially Spencer, since he learned that the hard way. And since he knew them much, much longer than Dallon.

Ryan kind of ran out of arguments. He was looking at Brendon with his mouth half-opened, his lips trembling from time to time, like he wanted to say something. His eyes started watering, as he realized that Brendon was right, actually. Ryan did try to look and act like an adult, but in fact, he still felt like a lost kid. He wasn’t sure what to do with his life. One time he was sick of making music, next time he couldn’t imagine his life without it. 

Brendon noticed a shift in his expression. From fierce and cocky smile to scared grimace. He let out a deep breath. It’s over. It’s not going to end up like the last time they argued. They’re not going to fight over it.

Ryan turned around, so Brendon wouldn’t notice him wiping his eyes and cheeks. He leaned on the balustrade and reached into his pocket with a shaky hand. He cursed under his breath, unable to locate the prescription bottle. It must’ve fallen out when he was either taking his jeans off or putting them back on. To his surprise, Brendon put a cigarette under his nose. Ryan looked at him, unsure what to do at first, but finally, he grabbed it.

“Want a light?” Brendon asked and lit his cig after Ryan nodded.

“I thought you wanted me to stop smoking.” He said, exhaling the smoke. As expected, it calmed him down a bit.

“I still do. I hope it’s the last one.” Brendon smiled at him and put his hands on the balustrade. They were both looking at the people by the pool. Almost everyone looked wasted already. There was a long moment of silence before Brendon spoke again. “So who was that guy?”

“David Something-Something. Rich kid, his father owns… well, something, I don’t remember what but from what he told me, he has a shitload of money.” Ryan finished a cigarette and stubbed in on the balustrade. Brendon nodded.

“That’s why you hooked up with him?”

“No. Today was the second time I’ve ever seen him. I hooked up with him because I was angry at you and had to vent somehow.” 

Brendon’s mind couldn’t comprehend that much information at once so he had to think for a while.

“So… you fucked with that guy because you were angry at me?”

“Exactly.”

“I understand.”

He didn’t.

***

**_I'll give you something to think about_ **

It always amused Brendon how they understood each other, despite having completely different personalities. Ryan was that lonely introvert, while Brendon was… everywhere. Literally everywhere, he had way too much energy and people were quickly getting tired with him. Even Spencer didn’t know how they managed to get along but somehow - it worked. And while the band was still together, it worked very well.

Ryan and Brendon were slowly walking towards Brendon’s house. It was about 3AM in the morning. At that time and in that place, the streets were pretty much empty, except some cars passing them now and then. And it started getting warmer with every day. They both ditched their winter jackets about a week ago.

“Haven’t you thought about coming back to Panic?” Brendon asked, as they slowly paced through empty L.A street. Ryan didn’t answer immediately.

“Are you really asking me whether I wanted to come back to my band?” He looked at Brendon and they both laughed. Brendon had to admit it sounded ridiculous. “But seriously. I didn’t. I never really thought about coming back.”

“I see.”

“Have you heard the music I made with The Young Veins?”

“Yup.”

“That’s what I wanted to create. You and Spencer went in the other direction.”

“So why are you helping with this album? You suddenly liked the music Panic makes now?” Ryan smiled. It wasn’t as simple as Brendon thought it was.

“Not really. I didn’t want to leave you alone with this. Spencer told me what happened last time.”

Brendon remembered waking up on the ICU. Not the most pleasant experience of his life. Spencer was freaking out, Pete was freaking out and Brendon had no idea what happened and why was he there. It took some time and rest before he walked into the studio again.

“You got worried?” He asked, jokingly. But Ryan’s answer was definitely not a joke.

“Yeah. I guess I got worried. I always had a soft spot for you.” He said, sighing. They stopped in front of a pharmacy. “Mind borrowing me 10 dollars? I need to buy the meds, I'll give it back tomorrow.”

Brendon didn't ask about anything, handing him a wallet instead. Ryan walked inside while he decided to wait. 

And that might’ve been a mistake. As he paced back and forth, he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. After turning around, he saw a hooded figure with a gun aimed at his forehead.

“Money. Now.” The man murmured. Brendon frantically searched his pockets, before remembering that Ryan took his wallet. “You're stalling. Give me the fucking money.”

“Hey, hey, chill, I don't have any money on me.”

“I know you do. Hurry up.”

Events that followed happened way too fast for Brendon to comprehend. About 2 seconds later, Ryan was standing between them, the thief’s gun now in his hands. Brendon had no idea how he did that.

“Get the fuck out of here before I get angry.” He said through clenched teeth and only then had Brendon noticed that Ryan was shaking. The thief backed out, slowly at first, before breaking into a run. Ryan exhaled heavily and examined the gun. 

“What the fuck, man?” Brendon muttered, scared expression on his face. Ryan took the clip out and put it in his pocket, before hiding the gun behind his belt and covering it with his jacket. “You're keeping it? Look, we should go to the police.”

“You've been living in Los Angeles much longer than me and you still haven't learnt shit about this city, have you?” Ryan laughed, but it was a panicked laugh. “They're going to arrest me for that. Let's just forget it and go home.”

“Forget it? How? A guy tried to rob me and you saved my ass.”

“Consider it a favor.” Ryan smiled at Brendon, who still wasn’t having it. “Brendon, please. Let’s just go home.”

“I could have fucking died, Ry.”

“Have you?” Brendon didn’t answer. “Exactly.”

Having said that, Ryan put his hands in his pockets and walked away, with Brendon following him soon after. They haven’t said a word for a long time and just kept on walking until they reached Brendon’s house. But they seemed to be unable to split up. Ryan kind of wanted to stay and Brendon kind of wanted him to stay.

“So… you wanna crash at my place?” He asked finally, noticing how Ryan’s face brightened up.

“You won’t mind?”

“Not at all, come in.” Brendon unlocked the door, letting Ryan in first. “Sorry for the mess. Didn’t have time to clean up.”

“That’s alright. My place is a mess all the time.” Ryan smiled, walking inside. He noticed some notebooks and paper sheets on the table. And since he had that one idea in his head the whole night, he decided to write it down. He sat on the couch and grabbed the pen.

“I see you’re busy.” Brendon laughed, taking a towel from the chair near the couch. “I’ll go and take a shower, be back soon.”

Ryan seemed to be lost in his thoughts again, so Brendon stopped attempting to get to him and just went to the bathroom, while Ryan scribbled words on paper.

_just one more hit and then we’re through_  
_cause you could never love me back_

He couldn’t really get much more obvious than that. But the whisky was buzzing in his head and he couldn’t care less if Brendon notices that it’s directed at him. He probably won’t. He still didn’t figure out “Northern Downpour”.

_cause your love’s a fucking drag_

He might’ve pressed a little harder on the paper while writing these lyrics.

_but I need it so bad_

Ryan still wasn’t over his feelings for Brendon and he will probably never be. He imagined himself few years from now, still hitting clubs and hooking up with strangers, while Brendon is married, maybe with kids. Ryan knew that he’s going to be bitter about it for the rest of his life, but he also accepted the fact that the stars didn’t align or some shit and they just weren’t meant for each other, end of the story. Nevertheless, he still tried, despite always failing to make Brendon feel something towards him.

_you’re worse than nicotine_

***

After Brendon was finished showering, he quietly walked into the living room just to find Ryan busy with the lyrics, so he just smiled and went upstairs, not wanting to bother him. And Ryan fell asleep on the couch in the middle of writing. It was about 6AM and the sun was rising, but it didn’t seem to be much of a problem for his sleep deprivation. 

He was woken up by a loud noise which turned out to be the door slamming. Ryan looked around unconsciously, until his vision finally focused on the front door. More precisely, on Zack standing there.

“Oh, I didn’t expect to see you here.” He said, trying his best to let Ryan know that the surprise in his voice is completely fake.

“Really?”

“Come on, I knew you’ll end up in his place.” Zack snorted, walking towards him, but suddenly stopped. “What the fuck is that gun doing on the table?”

Ryan sighed. His head hurt and he really didn’t feel like explaining it now.

“It’s a long story, Zack.”

“Trust me, I have all the time in the world. You’re not going to talk yourself out of it now because I’m genuinely freaked out, man.”

So Ryan started explaining: how they sneaked out of the party, how they walked through L.A and how he saved Brendon from being robbed or maybe even killed. Zack’s eyes seemed to be widening with every sentence.

“It’s a good thing you didn’t go to the cops. They have been really fucking touchy recently. They would probably just take you in and won’t care that it’s not yours.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I didn’t go.”

“Well, you may be smart after all.” Zack laughed as Ryan flipped him off. “Where’s Brendon though?”

“I don’t know. Last time I saw him he was showering so he either drowned or went to sleep without me noticing.” Speaking of the devil, Brendon walked down the stairs, yawning and ruffling his hair.

“What a lovely talk you two are having.” He said, smiling like a proud mom. “Need something, Zack?”

“Yeah, I do actually. Pete wants to see you.”

“Fine, I’ll drop Ryan by his place and go see Pete.”

“No, I mean you two.” Ryan and Brendon looked at each other.

“What for?” Ryan asked and Zack shrugged.

“From what I know, he’s got really excited about us working together. He was talking about a reunion or something…” Ryan waved his hands and laughed nervously.

“Woah, woah, wait. What reunion? I’m not coming back.” Zack opened his arms in a I-can’t-do-shit gesture.

“Well, you gotta tell him that. I bet he’s going to be delighted.”

Brendon tried all he could not to look disappointed. He talked about it with Ryan the night before, but he thought that he may have changed his mind by now. Turns out, he didn’t. But maybe Pete is going to be able to talk him into it.


End file.
